wreckage is coming...

I spontaneously burst into tears a couple of times today. For many of you that know me, that probably doesn’t surprise you…at all. I took that as a sign that I am not ready to go to Haiti. I am preparing, but I am not prepared for what I know is coming. I have had a false sense of feeling that I am going to be ok with this because of numerous trips I have gone on to the Dominican Republic. I feel like it is all about to crumble in on me. In fact, I know it is. I know that I am going to be challenged in a way unlike anything ever before. As much as I think I have been changed and wrecked and trivial things I given up, I still take a lot for granted. While I know that I am blessed beyond measure and try to be aware, grateful and understand every good gift that a father gives a son…I know that an even bigger wrecking is days away. Yeah, I am scared about that. I am reminded of the lyrics of my favorite Sara Groves song, I Saw What I Saw

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love
we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, touched my very soul
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, changed my world

I have called this thing that happen to us “getting wrecked for the ordinary”. It’s that feeling that sometimes happens when we travel so far out of ourselves and out of our comfort zones that we are forever changed at the core of our being. We enter the world of another and feel the weight of oppression and injustice that is an everyday part of the fabric of their lives. We try to love and serve well and filled with compassion we are changed...deeply and our soul is stirred and awakens. We come back home and everything is different. Things that once sustained our pursuit of the American dream become much less important and perhaps even meaningless. We have had our hearts broken by the very same things that breaks the heart of God. God has taken us and shown us something sacred...something breathtaking.  In that, we are challenged to respond and act in a very specific manner to that which we have been privileged to be a part of. As one of my friends has so succinctly stated…”your knowledge, requires action”.  I heard that several years ago and it is ringing so loud in my head sometimes I think surely others must hear it too. It is a clarion call for us all to answer in some manner or capacity. I think Sara Groves said it best when she sings, “Your pain has changed me, your dream inspires, your face a memory, your hope a fire, your courage asks me what I'm afraid of…”

Indeed…what are we afraid of?

coming full circle...

"And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."  Is. 58:10 

I recently read a sobering statistic regarding the expected life span for a man in Haiti…at birth, a man, in Haiti, is expected to live to the age of 60. That hit me kind of hard for two reasons. First, I will be going there soon and witnessing why this is first hand... and secondly…I will be 60 next year. I cannot even imagine that at the age of 60 I will have outlived most men in Haiti and be at the end of my days. But wait… there’s more…Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Infrastructure was virtually nonexistent before the earthquake — no electricity, sanitation system, trash pickup, public school system or source of safe water. The literacy rate is about 50 percent and the average Haitian earns about $1 a day. Vital indicators on child health are infant mortality, under-age-5 mortality and maternal mortality; in Haiti all these are quite grim. While the infant mortality rate was halved from 105 per 1,000 in 1990 to 57 per thousand in 2007, it still is high when compared with the CDC’s latest number from 2006, which shows 6.7 deaths per 1,000 in the United States. Consider that 21 per 1,000 Haitian children younger than 5 will die annually, compared with 8 per 1,000 in the U.S. Maternal mortality is 523 deaths per 100,000 births in Haiti, compared with 13 per 100,000 in U.S. Sadly many of these deaths are entirely preventable. Diseases spread by unsafe water cause 3 million deaths a year, disproportionately affecting young children. Diarrhea, primarily a disease of dirty water, is the biggest killer of children under five in poor countries, resulting in nearly 4,000 preventable deaths each day – nearly 3 deaths every minute of every day. Almost 50 kids just died while I sit writing these words…Water projects are one of the most effective ways of saving lives and one of the most cost-effective investments in disease prevention. Potable water projects typically reduce diarrheal disease by upwards of 50 percent, with even higher reductions during water-borne epidemics, such as cholera which is adding insult to injury in Haiti. The WHO estimates that every $1 invested in water and sanitation yields between $3 and $34 in reduced medical costs and increased productivity, depending on the region. So, this is what I will be doing…I will be part of a team installing 2 water systems and doing health and hygiene teaching in northern Haiti. I never imagined that my life would be taking this turn but it all seems to be making such sense and coming full circle. It started with an unplanned, unprepared and unforeseen bicycle ride in 2008 across the US to raise funds for Blood Water Mission. Blood Water Mission is an organization in Nashville Tennessee which is working very hard to address this issue of clean water in six areas of Africa with an assortment of projects and initiatives. I was part of a team of cyclist who believed that something as simple as a bike combined with our passion to love and serve others well could impact this need. Thus the name of the tour became the RideWell tour focusing on riding well, serving well, loving well, and of course, digging well(s). So, here I am four years later…the story continues, and I will be in Haiti in less than two weeks. I never imagined it, never planned on it, never dreamed about it…but God did. You see, God has this incredible vision for us and we each have a place to enter into this amazing story of redemption and restoration. I realized that this is exactly what is happening in Haiti and now my story continues within the context of a larger one and that is EXACTLY what He wants us to see. I can tell you this revelation has me very excited to see what He has to show me. Stay tuned…I have a sneaky feeling this is going to be a wild ride…maybe even literally.

diving back in...

Sometimes it is a good idea to let things rest…sometimes it is good to stop the thing that you are doing and stand back and breathe and reevaluate your purposes and goals in that thing you are doing. It is good to let your fields go fallow. I love these lines from a poem, The Fallow Season, by Keith Harrison,

And while the white rain beats across the hills
It’s desolate enough. But you, who by
Some shrewd perversity or courage, toughen
On disappointment, will come through this
To make again. This is the quiet time.
Put down your brushes and your words,
Breathe with the earth, draw strength from solitude.

I have been in a prolonged fallow season and despite my discomfort with not doing something and filling my days with meaningless activity, I know that these times are necessary and good. It is easy to get caught up in the endless pursuit of meaning and purpose for our lives and simply doing nothing or even not much that is laudable is counter intuitive to what we have been led to believe. With all that being said, I am, in effect, going to reenter and reconnect what I am thinking and feeling and write these things down instead of allowing them to float through my head like wispy clouds on a summer day. I recently realized that I was writing a lot on my blog, So I’m Color Blind, during this time last year and it was “therapeutic” for me, if nothing else. So, I am resurrecting the blog and I will hope to be a little more diligent and regular in sharing my thoughts and observations. Additionally, this serves another purpose as I will soon be leaving for Haiti on a 10 day mission trip to help install two water purification systems. I hope to provide a comprehensive picture of this trip in both pictures and words. I will have much more to say about this trip and how this opportunity presented itself which is an amazing story all by itself. I am very much looking forward to being stretched, challenged, moved and used by God to continue to tell His amazing story of redemption, restoration and making His name famous wherever I go. I think I know why my fields have been laying fallow…it’s planting time.

give thanks...or not

So, I have been thinking a little bit about some simple little things that could potentially change the world. Things like manners...being servant minded... and gratitude. It just seems like these easy little things are the stumbling blocks we frequently are tripping over. Gratitude is defined as the state of being thankful but even more importantly it is the backbone of the Christian life and our witness to others. We should live in...practice...and reflect...extreme gratitude at all times...but, we forget...a lot. I have ofter wondered why people just cannot express gratitude in the face of overwhelming generosity both from God and others. I have personally witnessed ingratitude so many times from those who should know better. We all slip...we all fall down...but to habitually live a life with a sense of entitlement and lack of graciousness is an insult to God who provides all that we have. It reflects fear and lack of walking in complete faith and surrender to God. It does, in fact, insult me when someone is rude or selfish or shows disrespect or when their lack of manners is painfully obvious. However, it does not change me when someone is living in total opposition to who they say they are and it is apparent to me and most everyone else. That one is between them and their God. Adopting gratitude shapes our attitudes...feelings...and thus our actions. When we withhold our gratitude and generosity from others we are, in effect, withholding it from God. Clearly, this is not what He intended and Jesus was very busy teaching us this all the time of His earthly ministry. Selfish, self serving, and egocentric and insecure people will not be blessed and are to be avoided. You simply cannot serve others and give even the simplest...thank you...when you live like this. It is a deception cleverly crafted by the devil and he allows you to operate within the confines of this mirage until it collapses in on you...and, trust me...it will. It will hurt, be painful...unexpected...and you will be mad. You will be really mad...at God, of course. You probably will never consider...even for a minute...that you had a hand in the resulting mess. Just as important as the necessity of gratitude being incorporated into an effective witness is, it is also very important to your overall sense of well being and self actualization. There have been numerous studies that have aptly demonstrated a strong relationship between being able to express gratitude and good mental health. It is perhaps too obvious a fact that selfish and self absorbed people cannot neither be thankful or giving and generous to others. I am totally convinced that someones reluctance to give is based on their fears and ignorance. We like to hold onto stuff and amass things and those things define who we are and we waste a lot of time guarding our pile. It is always both sobering and telling when there is a natural disaster, such as a tornado or flood, and everything material is lost in a blink of an eye. How do we respond? Do we mourn the loss of things or do we see this as an opportunity to refocus on what really is important? Jesus said,
 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
What is it that you deem as valuable in your lives, because what you deem as valuable shows you where your heart is? Perhaps it is money and wealth or maybe it is power and the desire to be recognized as a leader or have fame or admiration of others or maybe it is looking religious and holy on the outside so that people think you have it together even when you don't. Maybe it is popularity and acceptance through nice clothes, your home, or all the trappings of that kind of life...cars, boats, etc. Maybe it is your perfect appearing family and how you have raised great kids in the right schools playing the right sports with the right friends. It's all temporary and can be gone literally in minutes...before you even have a chance to respond or react. Here, Jesus is calling us to change our minds from the temporary to the eternal, from the things that are passing by to the things that are permanent. And to get this you have to understand the whole concept of gratitude and thankfulness...no matter how much or little you have. A way to show that gratitude is to share with others who are less blessed than yourselves. It honors others...but more importantly it honors God. There is one thing that I know that is absolutely true and that is God blesses those who bless others...

“Our most valuable possessions are those which can be shared without lessening-those which, when shared, multiply. Our least valuable possessions, on the other hand, are those which, when divided, are diminished”.

the prodigal dad...

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. "The son said to him, `Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. ' But the father said to his servants, `Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15: 20-24

In probably one of the most well known and frequently cited parables of the bible we celebrate the return of something thought lost forever...a beloved son. The unimaginable joy of a father seeing his rebellious son come home...sheer bliss. However, as we all know, sometimes these stories are illustrations of a larger story that Jesus is trying to tell us in a very cryptic way. I love the visuals and the mental imagery created by this story and as a father I can both appreciate and relate here. The bigger question for me is...what about the son that refuses to relent and come back? What about the dad that continues to watch...and wait...and hope to see his son “a long way off” because of alienation of his own doing? I am that dad...the prodigal dad. In the weirdest reversal of roles in this story and the most cruel twist possible I have turned this parable of Jesus upside down. It's not easy to say I had a hand in this but the reality is it's mostly my fault and sometimes that is hard to swallow. It seems like the things we do to ourselves are the things that make us the maddest. One thing necessary to be a good dad is commitment...commitment to being present both physically and mentally. Like many fathers who fall short I was lacking on that one thing that is necessary to keep a family together. There is no magical formula that makes things come together and stay together...it is a lot of work. Unfortunately many of us dads have a tendency to give up when the going gets tough. And... when the going gets tough...we leave...we walk out. Once out, it becomes really hard to come back and be present in the way we should. We become part-time dads at best. We come and go as we please and drift in and out of our kids lives without thought of the consequences. The consequences are there is no stability...no consistency...and eventually no trust. It's easy to be this kind of dad and many of us do it. I never imagined the example I was setting and the kind of long lasting damage inflicted because of my ignorance and irresponsibility. The ultimate realization of that fact only makes us run farther away...and I did. A significant problem is that despite many claims to the contrary...there are no instruction manuals for dads. Even if there were we probably wouldn't look at them anyways...we are kind of bad about that. We believe we can figure it out on our own and the weight of the type of father we had bears down heavily upon us and the weight of their fathers on them. Unless one had a stellar atypical perfect father who got it from the outset...we fumbled along with their failings as well. I am well familiar with the toll on society as a whole as well as individual relationships. It is a cost that we all are bearing in one way or another. I certainly am not making excuses for myself or anyone else. Things are different now...I am different now. I am the father waiting with the best robe, ring and I know someone with a fattened calf. Apparently there is a lot of truth to the maxim...like father, like son. Many times we both are waiting for the same things...the long and awaited and anticipated homecoming. Sadly, our stubbornness and inexperience with grace, forgiveness, and redemption makes the reunion especially awkward. So many expectations...fears...and things to be said. Trust comes back on it's own time and cannot be rushed. Hope is slow to emerge from the protection where it has lived for a long time. This all is an agonizing and difficult process...but faith dictates that both father and son wait...and watch carefully to see the other coming back...from a long way off...