wreckage is coming...

I spontaneously burst into tears a couple of times today. For many of you that know me, that probably doesn’t surprise you…at all. I took that as a sign that I am not ready to go to Haiti. I am preparing, but I am not prepared for what I know is coming. I have had a false sense of feeling that I am going to be ok with this because of numerous trips I have gone on to the Dominican Republic. I feel like it is all about to crumble in on me. In fact, I know it is. I know that I am going to be challenged in a way unlike anything ever before. As much as I think I have been changed and wrecked and trivial things I given up, I still take a lot for granted. While I know that I am blessed beyond measure and try to be aware, grateful and understand every good gift that a father gives a son…I know that an even bigger wrecking is days away. Yeah, I am scared about that. I am reminded of the lyrics of my favorite Sara Groves song, I Saw What I Saw

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love
we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, touched my very soul
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, changed my world

I have called this thing that happen to us “getting wrecked for the ordinary”. It’s that feeling that sometimes happens when we travel so far out of ourselves and out of our comfort zones that we are forever changed at the core of our being. We enter the world of another and feel the weight of oppression and injustice that is an everyday part of the fabric of their lives. We try to love and serve well and filled with compassion we are changed...deeply and our soul is stirred and awakens. We come back home and everything is different. Things that once sustained our pursuit of the American dream become much less important and perhaps even meaningless. We have had our hearts broken by the very same things that breaks the heart of God. God has taken us and shown us something sacred...something breathtaking.  In that, we are challenged to respond and act in a very specific manner to that which we have been privileged to be a part of. As one of my friends has so succinctly stated…”your knowledge, requires action”.  I heard that several years ago and it is ringing so loud in my head sometimes I think surely others must hear it too. It is a clarion call for us all to answer in some manner or capacity. I think Sara Groves said it best when she sings, “Your pain has changed me, your dream inspires, your face a memory, your hope a fire, your courage asks me what I'm afraid of…”

Indeed…what are we afraid of?

coming full circle...

"And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."  Is. 58:10 

I recently read a sobering statistic regarding the expected life span for a man in Haiti…at birth, a man, in Haiti, is expected to live to the age of 60. That hit me kind of hard for two reasons. First, I will be going there soon and witnessing why this is first hand... and secondly…I will be 60 next year. I cannot even imagine that at the age of 60 I will have outlived most men in Haiti and be at the end of my days. But wait… there’s more…Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Infrastructure was virtually nonexistent before the earthquake — no electricity, sanitation system, trash pickup, public school system or source of safe water. The literacy rate is about 50 percent and the average Haitian earns about $1 a day. Vital indicators on child health are infant mortality, under-age-5 mortality and maternal mortality; in Haiti all these are quite grim. While the infant mortality rate was halved from 105 per 1,000 in 1990 to 57 per thousand in 2007, it still is high when compared with the CDC’s latest number from 2006, which shows 6.7 deaths per 1,000 in the United States. Consider that 21 per 1,000 Haitian children younger than 5 will die annually, compared with 8 per 1,000 in the U.S. Maternal mortality is 523 deaths per 100,000 births in Haiti, compared with 13 per 100,000 in U.S. Sadly many of these deaths are entirely preventable. Diseases spread by unsafe water cause 3 million deaths a year, disproportionately affecting young children. Diarrhea, primarily a disease of dirty water, is the biggest killer of children under five in poor countries, resulting in nearly 4,000 preventable deaths each day – nearly 3 deaths every minute of every day. Almost 50 kids just died while I sit writing these words…Water projects are one of the most effective ways of saving lives and one of the most cost-effective investments in disease prevention. Potable water projects typically reduce diarrheal disease by upwards of 50 percent, with even higher reductions during water-borne epidemics, such as cholera which is adding insult to injury in Haiti. The WHO estimates that every $1 invested in water and sanitation yields between $3 and $34 in reduced medical costs and increased productivity, depending on the region. So, this is what I will be doing…I will be part of a team installing 2 water systems and doing health and hygiene teaching in northern Haiti. I never imagined that my life would be taking this turn but it all seems to be making such sense and coming full circle. It started with an unplanned, unprepared and unforeseen bicycle ride in 2008 across the US to raise funds for Blood Water Mission. Blood Water Mission is an organization in Nashville Tennessee which is working very hard to address this issue of clean water in six areas of Africa with an assortment of projects and initiatives. I was part of a team of cyclist who believed that something as simple as a bike combined with our passion to love and serve others well could impact this need. Thus the name of the tour became the RideWell tour focusing on riding well, serving well, loving well, and of course, digging well(s). So, here I am four years later…the story continues, and I will be in Haiti in less than two weeks. I never imagined it, never planned on it, never dreamed about it…but God did. You see, God has this incredible vision for us and we each have a place to enter into this amazing story of redemption and restoration. I realized that this is exactly what is happening in Haiti and now my story continues within the context of a larger one and that is EXACTLY what He wants us to see. I can tell you this revelation has me very excited to see what He has to show me. Stay tuned…I have a sneaky feeling this is going to be a wild ride…maybe even literally.

diving back in...

Sometimes it is a good idea to let things rest…sometimes it is good to stop the thing that you are doing and stand back and breathe and reevaluate your purposes and goals in that thing you are doing. It is good to let your fields go fallow. I love these lines from a poem, The Fallow Season, by Keith Harrison,

And while the white rain beats across the hills
It’s desolate enough. But you, who by
Some shrewd perversity or courage, toughen
On disappointment, will come through this
To make again. This is the quiet time.
Put down your brushes and your words,
Breathe with the earth, draw strength from solitude.

I have been in a prolonged fallow season and despite my discomfort with not doing something and filling my days with meaningless activity, I know that these times are necessary and good. It is easy to get caught up in the endless pursuit of meaning and purpose for our lives and simply doing nothing or even not much that is laudable is counter intuitive to what we have been led to believe. With all that being said, I am, in effect, going to reenter and reconnect what I am thinking and feeling and write these things down instead of allowing them to float through my head like wispy clouds on a summer day. I recently realized that I was writing a lot on my blog, So I’m Color Blind, during this time last year and it was “therapeutic” for me, if nothing else. So, I am resurrecting the blog and I will hope to be a little more diligent and regular in sharing my thoughts and observations. Additionally, this serves another purpose as I will soon be leaving for Haiti on a 10 day mission trip to help install two water purification systems. I hope to provide a comprehensive picture of this trip in both pictures and words. I will have much more to say about this trip and how this opportunity presented itself which is an amazing story all by itself. I am very much looking forward to being stretched, challenged, moved and used by God to continue to tell His amazing story of redemption, restoration and making His name famous wherever I go. I think I know why my fields have been laying fallow…it’s planting time.