give thanks...or not

So, I have been thinking a little bit about some simple little things that could potentially change the world. Things like manners...being servant minded... and gratitude. It just seems like these easy little things are the stumbling blocks we frequently are tripping over. Gratitude is defined as the state of being thankful but even more importantly it is the backbone of the Christian life and our witness to others. We should live in...practice...and reflect...extreme gratitude at all times...but, we forget...a lot. I have ofter wondered why people just cannot express gratitude in the face of overwhelming generosity both from God and others. I have personally witnessed ingratitude so many times from those who should know better. We all slip...we all fall down...but to habitually live a life with a sense of entitlement and lack of graciousness is an insult to God who provides all that we have. It reflects fear and lack of walking in complete faith and surrender to God. It does, in fact, insult me when someone is rude or selfish or shows disrespect or when their lack of manners is painfully obvious. However, it does not change me when someone is living in total opposition to who they say they are and it is apparent to me and most everyone else. That one is between them and their God. Adopting gratitude shapes our attitudes...feelings...and thus our actions. When we withhold our gratitude and generosity from others we are, in effect, withholding it from God. Clearly, this is not what He intended and Jesus was very busy teaching us this all the time of His earthly ministry. Selfish, self serving, and egocentric and insecure people will not be blessed and are to be avoided. You simply cannot serve others and give even the simplest...thank you...when you live like this. It is a deception cleverly crafted by the devil and he allows you to operate within the confines of this mirage until it collapses in on you...and, trust me...it will. It will hurt, be painful...unexpected...and you will be mad. You will be really mad...at God, of course. You probably will never consider...even for a minute...that you had a hand in the resulting mess. Just as important as the necessity of gratitude being incorporated into an effective witness is, it is also very important to your overall sense of well being and self actualization. There have been numerous studies that have aptly demonstrated a strong relationship between being able to express gratitude and good mental health. It is perhaps too obvious a fact that selfish and self absorbed people cannot neither be thankful or giving and generous to others. I am totally convinced that someones reluctance to give is based on their fears and ignorance. We like to hold onto stuff and amass things and those things define who we are and we waste a lot of time guarding our pile. It is always both sobering and telling when there is a natural disaster, such as a tornado or flood, and everything material is lost in a blink of an eye. How do we respond? Do we mourn the loss of things or do we see this as an opportunity to refocus on what really is important? Jesus said,
 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
What is it that you deem as valuable in your lives, because what you deem as valuable shows you where your heart is? Perhaps it is money and wealth or maybe it is power and the desire to be recognized as a leader or have fame or admiration of others or maybe it is looking religious and holy on the outside so that people think you have it together even when you don't. Maybe it is popularity and acceptance through nice clothes, your home, or all the trappings of that kind of life...cars, boats, etc. Maybe it is your perfect appearing family and how you have raised great kids in the right schools playing the right sports with the right friends. It's all temporary and can be gone literally in minutes...before you even have a chance to respond or react. Here, Jesus is calling us to change our minds from the temporary to the eternal, from the things that are passing by to the things that are permanent. And to get this you have to understand the whole concept of gratitude and thankfulness...no matter how much or little you have. A way to show that gratitude is to share with others who are less blessed than yourselves. It honors others...but more importantly it honors God. There is one thing that I know that is absolutely true and that is God blesses those who bless others...

“Our most valuable possessions are those which can be shared without lessening-those which, when shared, multiply. Our least valuable possessions, on the other hand, are those which, when divided, are diminished”.

the prodigal dad...

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. "The son said to him, `Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. ' But the father said to his servants, `Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15: 20-24

In probably one of the most well known and frequently cited parables of the bible we celebrate the return of something thought lost forever...a beloved son. The unimaginable joy of a father seeing his rebellious son come home...sheer bliss. However, as we all know, sometimes these stories are illustrations of a larger story that Jesus is trying to tell us in a very cryptic way. I love the visuals and the mental imagery created by this story and as a father I can both appreciate and relate here. The bigger question for me is...what about the son that refuses to relent and come back? What about the dad that continues to watch...and wait...and hope to see his son “a long way off” because of alienation of his own doing? I am that dad...the prodigal dad. In the weirdest reversal of roles in this story and the most cruel twist possible I have turned this parable of Jesus upside down. It's not easy to say I had a hand in this but the reality is it's mostly my fault and sometimes that is hard to swallow. It seems like the things we do to ourselves are the things that make us the maddest. One thing necessary to be a good dad is commitment...commitment to being present both physically and mentally. Like many fathers who fall short I was lacking on that one thing that is necessary to keep a family together. There is no magical formula that makes things come together and stay together...it is a lot of work. Unfortunately many of us dads have a tendency to give up when the going gets tough. And... when the going gets tough...we leave...we walk out. Once out, it becomes really hard to come back and be present in the way we should. We become part-time dads at best. We come and go as we please and drift in and out of our kids lives without thought of the consequences. The consequences are there is no stability...no consistency...and eventually no trust. It's easy to be this kind of dad and many of us do it. I never imagined the example I was setting and the kind of long lasting damage inflicted because of my ignorance and irresponsibility. The ultimate realization of that fact only makes us run farther away...and I did. A significant problem is that despite many claims to the contrary...there are no instruction manuals for dads. Even if there were we probably wouldn't look at them anyways...we are kind of bad about that. We believe we can figure it out on our own and the weight of the type of father we had bears down heavily upon us and the weight of their fathers on them. Unless one had a stellar atypical perfect father who got it from the outset...we fumbled along with their failings as well. I am well familiar with the toll on society as a whole as well as individual relationships. It is a cost that we all are bearing in one way or another. I certainly am not making excuses for myself or anyone else. Things are different now...I am different now. I am the father waiting with the best robe, ring and I know someone with a fattened calf. Apparently there is a lot of truth to the maxim...like father, like son. Many times we both are waiting for the same things...the long and awaited and anticipated homecoming. Sadly, our stubbornness and inexperience with grace, forgiveness, and redemption makes the reunion especially awkward. So many expectations...fears...and things to be said. Trust comes back on it's own time and cannot be rushed. Hope is slow to emerge from the protection where it has lived for a long time. This all is an agonizing and difficult process...but faith dictates that both father and son wait...and watch carefully to see the other coming back...from a long way off...

Speaking: The Hero...

Speaking: The Hero

I did not want to go.

They inducted me.

I did not want to die.

They called me yellow.

I tried to run away.

They courtmartialed me.

I did not shoot.

They said I had no guts.

I cried in pain.

They carried me to safety.

In safety I died.

They blew taps over me.

They crossed out my name

And buried me under a cross.

They made a speech in my home town.

I was unable to call them liars.

They said I gave my life.

I had struggled to keep it.

They said I set an example

I had tried to run.

They said they were proud of me.

I had been ashamed of them.

They said my mother should be proud.

My mother cried.

I wanted to live.

They called me a coward.

I died a coward.

They called me a hero.

by Felix Pollak

excuse me...for getting in your way...

“What gives you the right to look at me with disdain and talk to me like I don't matter?”... “Who in the world do you think you are to dismiss me so quickly?”... “Did you ever...for a second...think that I have a story to tell and that...damn...it matters?” I am sure that at some point in my life I have caused someone to think these very thoughts...and I am sorry. You see we have this problem...we are selfish, self absorbed and generally feel entitled and ok with being rude and dismissive with people that get in our way. It happens every minute of every day...right now. Contained within the core essence of our being is this incessant need to be first...right...cool...hip...edgy...trendy...quirky...I think you get the idea. Anyone else who doesn't fit into our self defined category is basically...well...of little concern or useless to us. There is a fundamental disconnect between who we really are and who we think we are. We allow these boundaries and lines we draw to separate us from one another and...what separates us from one another separates us from God. Feeling superior to someone or refusing the simplest kindest act is totally incompatible with being loved and forgiven by a loving God and receiving grace. How dare us receive what we are not willing and freely able to give to others. How arrogant to withhold what God has given as if it is some kind of contest to accumulate the most grace in order to be holy and religious. Perhaps you have a skewed view of religion and your own personal theology is standing in the way of changing someones life.

“A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, ‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man.‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.”  Matthew 8:2-3

This unfortunate victim of leprosy was an outcast...an untouchable... and because of that he deemed himself unlovable. He was additionally burdened and stigmatized in his community as an outcast by being required to call out “Unclean, Unclean” as he walked the streets where he lived. This was to ensure that no one would come too close to him and possibly risk contracting this dreaded disease as well as become religiously unclean which was a huge taboo in that day. Can you imagine, for one second, if people we felt to be untouchable had to do that today? So, the leper was a social outcast, having lost everything of value to him. He lost his family, his friends, his sense of value and any interaction with others in his immediate community including his church and others who were non-lepers. He was left totally without hope...he is socially and physically isolated and alone... He is desperate and has nowhere else to turn...dead end. And, in his abject desperation, despair and suffering... he calls out to Jesus. It seems like in our most desperate hour... in our last ditch grasp for anything to relieve this misery many of us call out to Jesus. Perhaps faith and desperation are more closely linked than we sometimes give credit for. The interesting thing to note in this parable is the fact that the disenfranchised leper asks not to be made well or healed , but rather to be made clean. He takes a huge risk and asks Jesus for something that not only restores him physically, but that also makes him able to enter society again. As with many of us, this leper was seeking redemption and restoration and not necessarily  wellness. If Jesus did this for him, it would change his entire life. He would not just be well, but for the first time he could be whole. However, the most shocking and controversial part of Jesus’ interaction with the leper is the idea of being touched. Jesus gets close to him, gives him his undivided attention and then reaches out and in this touch Jesus risks becoming physically infected while at the same time fully making Himself religiously unclean. Jesus touch would have been considered horribly offensive to the religious people. He not only broke the rules, but he also put Himself at serious risk. What was He thinking to take a risk like that? He put Himself in harms’ way to do something that wasn’t even necessary for the leper’s physical healing. So, why touch the leper? The touch becomes a huge paradox...an exchange was made in that second. That which was considered hopelessly untouchable becomes clean and Jesus takes on the “uncleanness” of the lepers disease. Jesus was not afraid and showed no fear...hesitation..or judgment...So, the question becomes...why do we? Mainly out of fear and ignorance and putting self interest before others needs. I just offer the following prayer I found to remind us when we are feeling self important...

Jesus, help us to keep our focus on you and to always reach out to those who have been overlooked and outcast. Help us to not walk past those who are in need. May we touch the untouchable in your Name and impart value to those who are cursed. May we incarnationally be you to those who are literally and figuratively marginalized and diseased. And, may we always be open to your leading in cooperating with you in bringing total restoration to those who are desperately without any hope…except for You. After all, while the circumstances looked totally different, that was me too...diseased...broken and desperately without any true hope…except for You.

the silent killers...

It started with a headache...You see, I never...well, hardly ever...get headaches. In fact, I am rarely sick at all. When I do get sick, though, there are several problems that immediately arise. Being a nurse one tends to diagnose themselves with every imaginable disease and condition. I have had all sorts of ailments from various cancers to brain tumors. I think just having the knowledge of illnesses and what can go wrong in the body is dangerous if in the wrong hands...like mine. So, these intermittent headaches got my attention because I am of the belief that any time your head hurts that is a sign of some sort of problem. Usually I use the process of elimination just like doctors do except they fancy it up and call it differential diagnosis. It seriously is just an educated guess under the best of circumstances. So, I eliminated hunger...thirst...and stress as the provoking factor in how I am feeling lately. The other issue as a man is we adamantly refuse to go to a doctor unless on deaths doorstep. So, being a man and a nurse I am doubly doomed. I sometimes have the bad habit of living in denial of an obvious truth until it becomes a crisis issue. So, the other day at work, I was feeling unusually tired for early in the day and the nagging headache was creeping back. I felt hot and flushed even though it was comfortable in my office. I went to the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror and to my surprise saw I was as flushed as could be. I had a rosy glow that resembled an early summer sunburn. I thought to myself...maybe I should take my blood pressure. So I did...imaging my horror when I saw the numbers 158/103 flash on the machine. My immediate reaction...that can't possibly be right. So, I rechecked it...and again...and again...switched arms...no change. I was stunned. My blood pressure almost always is around 110/60...or should I say...has been. I tried to finish my work but needless to say...this was weighing very heavy on my mind. I came home and drank a lot of water to rehydrate and hopefully bring it back to normal. My wife came home and I told her about it and we rechecked it...no change. I asked her “when do you think it will come down?” and she said, “I don't know”. Not the answer I wanted to hear and she knew that. I rechecked it before bed and the next morning...no change 150/94. I thought...what if it doesn't change? I didn't like the thought of that at all. I thought of the countless thousands of people a day that get some new shocking news in the form of a diagnosis they didn't want or expect. Right on the heels of that came the thought...that's possibly me. Shocking and sobering at the same time. I felt the weight of the denial of a lot of signs and symptoms fall down upon me. Even in the face of solid evidence I still sought to rationalize. This is what we do with many things in our lives...particularly sin. We seem to categorize sin in our lives on a self created sliding scale. The big attention getting sins get top billing and the lesser ones fall in place further along the scale. We measure and compare sins both to themselves and others. In the process we can successfully...at least to ourselves...feel a sense of “well that's NOT that bad” or “I'm not as bad as that guy”. This is a false reality we create and we live in a state of denial until something really bad happens...like your blood pressure staying excessively high. Until the symptoms of the so called little...benign...minor sins become a full blown illness or erupt in a catastrophic manner that wrecks our life we go on merrily ignoring warning signs that God sends your way. It is a ticking time bomb...it's a roll of the dice...it's a huge gamble to live in denial. However, for many of us it's safer that way. We bury into the busyness of our daily lives these seemingly insignificant little sins and totally minimize the cumulative effects and the ultimate tragic outcome which is an ever widening split in our relationship with Jesus. We finally get to the point where He has become something we only know and do not live in all that we do. As I contemplate the possibility of being diagnosed with high blood pressure that requires treatment and lifestyle changes I understand how denial operates in our lives and can make us really sick. This untreated and denied sin is no different...both make us sick and both can kill. So, I'll take the medicine...as bitter as it may be to me. I don't like it...but the consequences of ignoring those signs...whether from your body or from God...isn't something worth gambling on...

rapture anyone?...

So, apparently the world was supposed to end last Saturday...I spent the day doing most improbable and illogical thing possible in light of that fact...I planted a garden. I don't know anything much about end time predictions really except they really get a lot of attention. Unfortunately the attention always misdirects a lot of people and re-blackens the eye of Christians in general. So, I chose to do the most faith and life affirming thing on the day the world was set to end in violent catastrophe. There is a reoccurring thought that seems to play in my head as I work the soil...plant seeds and plants with the vision and hope for a future harvest. There is no difference in the way we are supposed to live as followers of Jesus. Jesus tells us over and over to plant seeds and to plant them with the vision and hope of a harvest. These seeds are sharing the gospel and our personal stories with others and how Christ has changed us and our lives. We sow liberally without regard to the likelihood of whether the seeds will sprout, take root and bear fruit. The only way to ensure success is to tend that garden we have planted and we do that by being present and attentive to the needs of others that we sow into. It is an investment we make and we should treat is as such and take ownership of it. I always see the direct connection with what I am doing in my backyard garden with what I am doing in the world as a whole. It is merely a microcosm of the larger way we are called to live by Jesus. As I strive to create my so-called Eden...it should mirror the same work on a larger scale to bring that vision to the world in which we live. To do anything less is an issue of faith and lack of understanding of how the kingdom of God gets advanced by us. We are farmers and we are planters and as Wendell Berry says,

 “The care of the Earth is our most ancient and most worthy, and after all our most pleasing responsibility. To cherish what remains of it and to foster its renewal is our only hope."

It the most hopeful of things to plant the tiniest of seeds...a lettuce or carrot seed or even a mustard seed as Jesus referenced and wait and watch the potential held within that tiny seed burst forth into the thing that God designed it to be. There is a powerful healing that takes place inside of us when we see this transformation before our very eyes. It's no different than the seed of the gospel that we plant within someone when we share our personal stories of faith and redemption and restoration. How could you be so arrogant and selfish and self absorbed that you wouldn't want to do that for someone? I don't know. However, I do know this...all of the end times talk is pale and insignificant when compared to the incredibly simple way that Jesus has shown us how to grow this amazing garden...I don't know about you...but I have a lot of work to do right now...it's planting season... but seriously, when is it not?

"we were happy in Alabama..."

As I sit here and look at images of the utter devastation from the deadly tornadoes in Alabama I am reminded of riding my bicycle in that very area last summer on The 5 Weeks for Freedom bike tour. Birmingham was a destination we all eagerly anticipated at the end of our first week of riding up through Alabama from Mobile. We rode through some of the smallest towns and met and were received by some of the nicest and most genuine people many of us had ever met. Many of our team had never had the enjoyable experience of being on the receiving end of southern hospitality. We were welcomed into peoples churches, homes and hearts. It was a perceptible feeling that is infused into the people of these small towns and easily shared with us as we rode north. Jackson...Linden...Moundville...Vestavia Hills...Pleasant Grove...Birmingham...and all the other small towns between. We became part of your stories and you became part of ours. I remember well...every road...every smell...the light rain coming into Jackson. I remember trying to introduce my teammates to boiled peanuts at one of our many rest stops at gas stations. I remember the prayers prayed over us both for our safety and for the cause of human trafficking which we were riding for. I remember the beautiful soft southern accents as people engaged us in conversation and time after time asked us “you ridin' to where?...New York...sure nuff?”. I remember the incredible hospitality of the people of Moundville and how they came together across denominational lines to hear our message and give generously to our cause. It was a powerful witness to many of our team to see so many people they have never met receive them so lovingly and complete. But..that's the south...and the people of Alabama that I am well familiar with. I have had a long history with Alabama and I lived there as a child while my father was in the Army. Many years later I lived in Montgomery when I worked there as a nurse and in fact, my son was born there. I quite jokingly told my wife I wanted to name him Jefferson Davis. Seriously...just kidding. The thing that the bike team really got to enjoy and was very important to continued riding was...southern cooking. Every church in every town went above and beyond in feeding the team. When you ride bikes all day under the hot Alabama sun you can put away some food at the end of the day. I am pretty sure that some of the team from the north got totally addicted to southern sweet tea. People in the south LOVE to cook and they love to feed people and I can assure you we were fed. I often joked that we were going to have the only bike ride to ever gain weight. I must say that the First Baptist Church at Pleasant Grove was totally over the top on food. As it was the fourth of July weekend they had an old fashioned picnic with so much food it was unbelievable. The icing on the cake there was that several men from the church stayed up all night cooking pork on an outdoor smoker for the food of heaven...pulled pork barbeque. Where we were staying at the church we had to smell that pork cooking all night long. It was amazing. Even with all these memories flooding over me making me smile...I am so sad for my friends and those I don't even know who has suffered loss from this extreme weather. I look at the pictures on the news and it just looks surreal and I am sure that the people there feel the same way. The one thing I do know is that these people are resilient and will recover. It's in their blood...their DNA. They are survivors and have come from a long line of survivors. Many of their grand and great grandparents lived through the civil war. Many of these people had relatives that suffered under the cruel system of slavery...escaping against tremendous odds on the Underground Railroad. This is the exact reason we were riding our bikes on a route approximating that same escape route to the north and freedom. So, seeing this devastation in places we rode through and where people reached out to us in a powerful way...hurts. I don't know why...I can only pray. That's all I can do...just pray. There are no answers so why bother trying to figure it out. As I said in my previous blog, this is the sole realm of a all knowing God. I would never even pretend to speak to this one. It is overwhelming and horrific and tragic and our normal thing is to ask...this is what we do...we ask. I ask too...but not why. I just ask that God will give peace and help those affected to stand firm in their faith and not be moved. Anything else is none of my business...right?

to know the impossible...

I have pretty much decided that there just are some things that no matter how hard you try you will never know. We are constantly surrounded with mystery and secrets only known to God...and He's not telling. He's not even giving us a clue and that is maddening to many of us. We have this sometimes overwhelming desire...compulsion...to know everything about everything. Back in the day it was a lot harder to know stuff and have instantaneous answers to even the most inane question. Thankfully for most of us we now have Google and a world of answers is at our fingertips. However these aren't really the deep and troubling questions that most of us frequently ponder and wrestle with. We seek answers to even more complex mysteries of faith and peoples erratic behaviors. There have been innumerable volumes written down through the ages from the most dense intellectual treatises to infomercial style self help books to provide answers for challenging questions. The desire to know is the desire to control...and the desire to control is a faith issue. Sometimes I just have to let go and trust that God really does know the answer and has a much more enlarged view of the thing I am struggling to know. I must admit I do have this fantasy of meeting Jesus face to face and asking a few questions that have been bugging me for a long time. “So, Jesus...uh...I have just been wondering about...” Yeah right...There are surely things that God, in His infinite wisdom, just doesn't want us to know. Do you feel sometimes that you just have this one personal or generic question you want answered? I do. I have a big one...pretty personal. I have often wondered what could my dad have possibly been thinking as he sat alone...in darkness...in isolation...and pulled the trigger and ended his life. What overpowering internal chatter must have been going on that night in his head. Maybe it was that chatter speaking loudly to him...to give up. Clearly it spoke louder than any other voice competing for attention. The harsh reality of suicide is that it is one senseless act that many of us have been affected by and we just cannot understand. Well, you cannot understand it until you find yourself in a similar position staring helplessly into the deep abyss of depression and loss. It is a lie from deep in the pit of hell that ending ones life is ever a good or logical solution to anything. It is totally illogical because the thought processes of your brain have been so rearranged that killing yourself feels ok and seems like a good idea at the time. With something so utterly personal there always is so many more questions that in all likelihood will never be answered...but still we ask. “Why would a dad want to leave a son?”...That's a big one...Maybe there is no reason at all...maybe that isn't even a factor ever considered. But the fact is you are abandoned and that affects everything you do...every relationship...for all your life. It just feels like so many times that a lot of things would have been different if I just could have one simple answer. It always reminds me that God knows and I don't...or ever will. How would our lives change if we knew the answers to these difficult and tough questions? I honestly don't think God ever meant for us to know or will allow us to. That's why we got kicked out of the garden in the first place. God knew that if we became as smart and all knowing as Him then we would have no need for Him. If the creation was on par with the creator then we lose our sense of awe and understanding we exist for the divine purposes of the creator. To rise above that and relegate God to an inferior position is what many of us have done by abandoning faith and endlessly seeking answers to unanswerable questions. Our time would certainly be better spent seeking a closer relationship with God and therein lies the paradox. That paradox is the closer we are to God and the more dependent we are on Him the less important it becomes to know the unanswerable things in our lives. It's called faith. The more we let go and allow our faith to strengthen and grow the less important it become for us to control ourselves and our world by being a know-it-all. Resignation and acceptance is a very hard thing for us incorporate into our daily lives. I have struggled with this and it always feels like I am giving up...but giving up what? Seriously, God doesn't need my help...input...or assistance with any pressing personal or world issues. My only hope is that He is humored that I still sometimes want to help Him do his job. I am sure He literally has thousands of consultants and could do fine with one less. We try to go out of our way to make the questions both profound and compelling and I am so sure He is totally humored by that...a lot. However, even the fact I know all of this... it doesn't seem to quench my thirst to understand and know things that God just will never share with me. If it stands in the way of my faith and belief that God knows what is best for me well then perhaps I will never know...it's ok...I still have a piece of that first apple stuck in my throat...

On Turning Ten...

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.

At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.
But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.

Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Billy Collins

changing weather...changing minds

Growing up in the Ohio river valley for most of my life there is one thing I know about the weather during the Easter season here...it can be very changeable and dangerous. As a matter of fact Palm Sunday has historically been the day of some of the worst tornado outbreaks in history. There were devastating killer tornado outbreaks on Palm Sundays in 1920, 1965, and 1994 and this Palm Sunday 2011. The temperature swings can be extreme and can vary as much as 40 degrees in 12 hours. It's called unpredictable...changeable... Ohio River valley spring and if you live here you just get used to it. So, why am I telling you all this? Where am I going with this, you probably are wondering, right? Admittedly, this is a big jump here...so bear with me. I got to thinking about how things can be so completely changeable in a short period of time...things other that the weather...things like peoples attitudes and opinions and affections. In light of thinking and reflecting about the essence of Palm Sunday and what it represents in the historical Christian tradition I see some small bit of analogy here. On the Sunday before the resurrection of the crucified Christ...just seven days previous... there was joyous celebration in the air...excitement...and expectancy as the King of the Jews rode into Jerusalem. People lined the road and crowds gathered and many jockeyed for a position in order to get a better view. As told in Matthew 21,

“And when they drew nigh unto Jerusalem, and were come to Bethphage, unto the mount of Olives, then sent Jesus two disciples, Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass. And the disciples went, and did as Jesus commanded them, And brought the ass, and the colt, and put on them their clothes, and they set him thereon. And a very great multitude spread their garments in the way; others cut down branches from the trees, and strawed them in the way. And the multitudes that went before, and that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna to the son of David: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord; Hosanna in the highest. And when he was come into Jerusalem, all the city was moved, saying, Who is this? And the multitude said, This is Jesus the prophet of Nazareth of Galilee.”

As with everything Jesus did there was much symbolism embedded into this very act of riding into Jerusalem. Even the unlikely choice of riding in on a lowly donkey was a subliminal message to those who understood these things. In this time it was customary to honor someone worthy of the highest respect by covering their path they were traveling with palm leaves and sometimes their garments. This day was no different as people laying their palm fronds created a green leafy carpet for every step of the donkeys foot. Actually the very act of riding a donkey was controversial as Jesus never rode anywhere. Additionally, this was considered a mission of peace as opposed to riding a horse which would be considered warlike. The ever increasing crowd was going wild...singing...shouting...cheering. Hosanna...Hosanna...Hosanna! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord. And then...in the period of 5 short days...the weather radically changed in Jerusalem. Dark heavy clouds gathered on the horizon signaling an upcoming storm that was about to change everything...forever. The adoring crowd has now become an angry mob. Their fickle affections had now turned to a murderous rage. The exact same people who were welcoming Jesus into Jerusalem days ago were not calling for Him to be killed. KILL HIM ! ...replaced Hosanna...every imaginable gesture of distain and hatred replaced the raised hands of adoration only days before. Cursing... beating... spitting... was what greeted the King now. How unimaginable that the tide of public opinion and welcoming acceptance would shift so violently and unexpectedly in a few short days. As they say...the weather took a dramatic turn...and was about to get worse...

True Love...

True Love

by Robert Penn Warren

In silence the heart raves. It utters words
Meaningless, that never had
A meaning. I was ten, skinny, red-headed,

Freckled. In a big black Buick,
Driven by a big grown boy, with a necktie, she sat
In front of the drugstore, sipping something

Through a straw. There is nothing like
Beauty. It stops your heart. It
Thickens your blood. It stops your breath. It

Makes you feel dirty. You need a hot bath.
I leaned against a telephone pole, and watched.
I thought I would die if she saw me.

How could I exist in the same world with that brightness?
Two years later she smiled at me. She
Named my name. I thought I would wake up dead.

Her grown brothers walked with the bent-knee
Swagger of horsemen. They were slick-faced.
Told jokes in the barbershop. Did no work.

Their father was what is called a drunkard.
Whatever he was he stayed on the third floor
Of the big white farmhouse under the maples for twenty-five years.

He never came down. They brought everything up to him.
I did not know what a mortgage was.
His wife was a good, Christian woman, and prayed.

When the daughter got married, the old man came down wearing
An old tail coat, the pleated shirt yellowing.
The sons propped him. I saw the wedding. There were

Engraved invitations, it was so fashionable. I thought
I would cry. I lay in bed that night
And wondered if she would cry when something was done to her.

The mortgage was foreclosed. That last word was whispered.
She never came back. The family
Sort of drifted off. Nobody wears shiny boots like that now.

But I know she is beautiful forever, and lives
In a beautiful house, far away.
She called my name once. I didn't even know she knew it.

ringing my (Rob) bell...

“There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.”-F.H. Bradley

Things that polarize...sports...politics...and Rob Bell. No...I'm just kidding, Rob...it's really not your fault...it's just that crazy business you're in. What business is that... you might be asking about now, right? The business of polarizing people who look to others not only for leadership but for wholly unoriginal thoughts they then adopt as their own personal theology. It's called religion. Sadly, this business of polarization has become the new normal within Evangelical Christian circles with numerous rock star style pastors espousing positions and posing questions that are basically unanswerable but provoke lots of talk. This talk does little to push forward agenda of Jesus and to rescue the lost and oppressed throughout the entirety of the world. We are far more concerned with defending positions and debating irrelevant fine points of theology. Polarization draws lines...you on your side...me on mine. This isolates us and we seek out others who are not only like us but will support the way we think and believe. I think the term is we become...tribes. We then become black and white thinkers and zealously guard our positions and go on the defensive when questioned or attacked. If you are going to stand up...be the voice... and propose to speak the truth as if you are the sole holder of it you must be open to other possibilities and willing to entertain questions. Any refusal to do that becomes dangerous and toxic for those you assume to speak for. That is exactly how cults come into being. I think it's good and healthy to have open honest dialogue on controversial issues. However this huge dust up with those who want to weigh in on Rob Bells new book, Love Wins, leaves me both confused and sad at the same time. I have tried personally many times to understand why that I need a dense complicated theology in my day to day life of being a witness for the transforming power of redemption in my life. I think I can explain the gospel very clearly and concisely in a way that even those in another culture would understand. We have taken something so simple and easily presentable and hopelessly mired it in lots of theories and concepts that are totally unnecessary. It is like you are wanting to discuss the fine technical points of the breast stroke versus the back stroke to a man who is drowning. Seriously...the guy just wants to be saved...literally. This incessant wrangling and fighting over the most irrelevant minutia of theological and denominational differences does not necessarily drive the gospel forward. I feel like those not secure in their spiritual foundation and having some maturity in their relationship with Christ are the ones who suffer the most. Imagine their confusion and disappointment as their favorite pastor...falls out of favor based on some controversial comments...a book...or even worse. I have discovered this in my many interactions with so called Christians in a lot of different situations. I have come to the understanding that there are far too many of these people who are more concerned about a “chip-on-their-theological-shoulder”...or tooting loudly their doctrinal horn... than they are with broadening and welcoming in new members into the body of Christ. I am constantly encountering Southern Baptist Calvinists who attack non Calvinists. I find Methodists who attack Presbyterians, those who favor one pastor style over another and those who even are divided over worship music. As Christians we are always seeming to be on the attack and critical of anyone or anything outside the narrow confines of our own personal beliefs. If we are so critical of those who believe in God but have fine technical theological or denominational differences how could we possibly ever hope to reach the lost and disconnected? We can't...and we don't. We unfortunately turn many of our churches into a “members only” club and are not welcoming of diversity. Do you think...for a second...that people curious about your faith or church don't see this? We, as followers of Christ are always being watched by those outside of the church. Do I reflect a story of redemption and restoration to someone on the fringes or am I too busy talking and playing church...instead of doing what God desires of me? The whole thing is both ludicrous and disheartening . Sure, we can have civil discussions and there will be differences of opinion and disagreements but it's ok...we need to because we are thinkers and we have opinions. But...let us remember this one important thing... our differences need to be presented in a way that mirrors humility and love. When these differences of opinion and the personalities become more important than unity in the body of Christ, then idolatry has crept not only into the church, but also into our hearts. So, back to Rob Bell...Quite simple put...Rob has become a predictable product which many consume eagerly but actually he never seems to satisfy our hunger. He has discovered a formula that has been working very well for him since his early days at seminary. There is no doubt that he is a gifted communicator and is quite able to speak to the angst of the demographic he claims to represent. He has carefully and cleverly elevated himself to a position at the forefront of influential Christians who loudly proclaim a new paradigm for those who find no solace in the old traditions of Christianity. It only stands to reason when you intentionally elevate yourself to such a position of high visibility and claim to speak in absolute truths people are going to scrutinize your every word and action and have plenty of stinging criticism. I am sure it's really nothing personal...they just think you're wrong...and they are going to tell you and everyone else...

getting the garden ready...

There's something about working your hands in the soil. This is the time of the year when the primal urge wells up inside of me to “turn the earth”. It's entirely predictable... this feeling comes without fail every year...and I suppose it always will. Over the years of my life I have had many gardens...some quite large and some the more small backyard variety. The one thing I know is that to have a healthy productive garden it takes work...sometimes lots of work. I am reminded of this quote by Wendell Berry where he says,

"Odd as I am sure it will appear to some, I can think of no better form of personal involvement in the cure of the environment than that of gardening. A person who is growing a garden, if he is growing it organically, is improving a piece of the world. He is producing something to eat, which makes him somewhat independent of the grocery business, but he is also enlarging, for himself, the meaning of food and the pleasure of eating”.

When you work your hands in the soil there is a connection that stretches across the generations. Our parents...our grandparents...and perhaps their parents that tilled the lands and raised food have been intimately involved in the timeless struggle to improve their piece of the world. What drives this struggle that continues despite sometimes overwhelming odds? Again Wendell Berry sums it up nicely when he says,

“ the care of the earth is our most ancient and most worthy, and after all our most pleasing responsibility. To cherish what remains of it and to foster it's renewal is our only hope”.

I think it is that hope which rises up in us when we place the tiniest seed into the ground and anticipate the growth and harvest is life affirming. Even in that tiny seed there is potential waiting to burst forth. Gardening and garden references were widely sprinkled throughout the entirety of the bible. In fact the beginning of the history of mankind on the earth began in a perfect garden called Eden created by God. Throughout the bible there are many references to fruit and vineyards and vines and fruit bearing. Jesus used these agricultural illustrations to demonstrate a particular teaching to the people and His disciples. Over the years I have learned that certain basic principles apply as much to gardening as they do to my daily walk and relationship with Jesus. I think the three distinct elements of sower, soil and seed are critical metaphors in understanding the necessity of getting our hands dirty in the soil and sharing the gospel with the world. In the bigger picture of this analogy God is the sower...his word is the seed and I am the soil...which seems both paradoxical and appropriate to me. Any gardener worth their salt knows the importance of not only good quality soil but good preparation of that soil. In another weird analogy...I see rocks as representative of sin. Just as it is difficult to have a productive garden with rocky soil so is it to have a life of purpose and service if filled with sin. Jesus spoke of this when He said,

“Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.”

Jesus was clear as He taught that rocks...or sin... ruins your soil and keeps it from being productive and what you plant there will be in vain as it will not take root. This is what happens to us so many times...we try to do church or play religion and desperately plant in the poor rocky soil of our sin filled lives to no avail and we get frustrated and blame God and the church and give up. The good news is that God never moves and still is ready to sow His seed into us despite our shortcomings as gardeners and perennial lack of green thumbs. It's far too often that people all of us in all Christian faith tend to view the idea of Christian maturity or discipleship as intellectual Christian growth. Sadly, the focus for most of us is more on head knowledge than on life change. It is good to know scripture. It is good to study the Bible. But all that knowledge is worthless if we don't turn it into a life change. God is more concerned about the way we live then how much information we pack into our heads. A telling sign of that life change is how well we tend our gardens...our piece of the world...our lives. Are we working to improve the soil...remove the rocks...pruning the non bearing branches and dead wood? This is an active ever changing task that requires both patience and diligence. It is not enough just to plant the seed and ignore it and hope for the best. We know what happens then...our gardens turn into weed patches overrun with pest. Is this what God desires from us? I really doubt it. He wants to pull the weeds...kill the bugs...remove the rocks...and do everything we are able to have this totally amazingly productive and beautiful garden. Oh yeah...He wants us to get our hands really dirty too....

April 7 2011...

"Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.

Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.
Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.

Practice resurrection."

— Wendell Berry

ordinary people...extraordinary things...

I believe that there is a powerful redemption and restoration that comes from doing extremely difficult physical challenges. I have never been much of a physical challenge guy at any time in my life...especially at what many consider to be mid-life. I certainly wasn't the guy seeking to push the envelope of what was physically impossible and then seek the next bigger and better challenge. No sir...not me. I was not a jock in high school and played very little sports and never really developed a taste for either participating or watching. I realize making that true confession really calls my manliness into question...it's ok...I don't hunt or fish either. So,...for me... doing something physically extreme is about as likely as Lohan is to stay out of jail. I think just the mere thoughts of the most moderately physical things are tiring sometimes. The problem is that I have trouble with my vision...that is seeing what winning looks and feels like. We can so easily fall into routines...ruts...and live our ordinary lives of comfort and predictability never daring to go beyond our self imposed limitations. The shocking reality we often discover is the only limits we are constrained by are the ones we place on ourselves. Those can be so disabling to the point we give up even trying anything new or challenging. We are defeated before we even start. There are several problems with this but primarily it chokes the life out of our faith in God to do amazing and unexpected things in our lives. There is a certain satisfaction that comes when we can say...I did what I thought was impossible. It's a rush...it's exciting. There is an ever greater feeling that comes when we say...and understand...it only happened because of God working through me and empowering me in a often times crazy way. As I have said many times before, God likes to take the most impossible situation and use the most ordinary and unlikely person to demonstrate His power to others. I have heard people say...”that's IMPOSSIBLE”...or...”that's CRAZY”. I have discovered many things that I just didn't believe possible...even in my wildest imagination...became quite possible and was shocking to myself and others. I have discovered that the twin elements of these amazing stories of success and redemption are... courage and faith. I have analyzed these two concepts for endless hours. To step out in courage...even believing you might fail...requires a significant amount of faith. It sometimes seems like faith in everyday things is so ordinary and unspoken. However, when it come to bear in a personal way and that faith is challenged and we feel the weakness of it it is all so differently then. Jesus worked on this issue a lot with both His disciples and those He met during His ministry. It is like how the disciples reacted when Jesus walked on the water...they were astonished at the sheer impossibility...in their minds...of what had been done. Their true faith came in that moment and with that miracle. Many times we look at a situation or opportunity and immediately see the difficulty...the impossibility...the obstacles that stand in the way. We don't allow our faith to even enter into the situation. We find reason to not even try to summon up courage as our fear of failure...or looking stupid...or wondering what people will think robs us of perhaps a chance to redeem a part of our life we need to take back. The devil is constantly stealing away our lives one bite at a time and each time we give in to doubt and fear there goes another piece. Is that what you want? To just be slowly chipped away at until there is nothing left? Probably not...Reclaiming an authentic life of significance and purpose is hard because we have to be thoughtful and intentional each step of the way. It requires discipline and vision...two things that are sorely lacking for most of us. It's hard to trust...to believe...to let go...when you have been hurt and disappointed by failures of others and your own. There is a richness and a texture of life that comes when we stare down our fears and anxieties and step off that edge...knowing we will be caught by a loving Savior. That's calming and reassuring and yet so hard for us to grasp how liberating that can be. We are bound and wrapped up in a tangle of fear and insecurities that literally at times can paralyze us into doing nothing...sitting waiting on God...or watching others. This is not what God desires for us. He wants us in the game...whether we are the ace pitcher or not...it doesn't matter. We are called by the very love that has redeemed us to this amazing life with Him. We are called to do the impossible extraordinary thing because in doing so it only does two things...it glorifies Him and allows us to be a powerful witness to others. I have been transformed by this redemption that comes from doing amazing...previously thought impossible...things. Now I'm different. I think this sums it up pretty well. In the book, Risking Faith, Dr. Steve Stephens writes, “I don’t want an ordinary God any more than I want an ordinary faith. Ordinary might make me feel good, but it will never inspire and astound me. Only an extraordinary God can move me beyond complacency in such a way that I cannot help but be changed”

loving the unlovable...

I won't lie...sometimes it's hard for me to love people in the same embracing non-judgmental way that Jesus did. I feel like most of the time I try very hard but sometimes I just fall short. I simply cannot seem to give some the one thing they truly desire from me and I struggle to understand why. Sometimes it is the fault of others as they make it very difficult for me to respond in a positive and loving way because of their behavior. Now I have to admit, I frequently struggle with this one. Let's face it, some people just make it difficult to love them. So how do you love those who appear to be unlovable? Jesus provides us some wise insight in 1 John 5:21 where He says, “Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” The reality is though...it's mostly me...it's a wall that I put up. Jesus also says in 1 John 3:18 , “Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions.” Just as the timeless cliché says...actions speak louder than words... and that is really true when we are trying to love people like Jesus has demonstrated for us so many times. We like to talk a lot and can sound convincing and appear very loving to others. But sometimes there is a fundamental disconnect between what we say and what we do. Our experiences create judgments and prejudices which creep into our lives in both subtle and blatant ways and affect how we relate to people. Most often that is based on very broad stereotypes we assign to people. We like to label people and put them in places where they are unreachable and unlovable. I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus meant when He said for us to keep away from anything that might take God's place in our hearts. I suppose that would mean something like anger, resentment, hatred, jealousy and bitterness. It also surely must include things like annoyance, irritability, impatience, and frustration which puts us into a state where we are momentarily separating ourselves from “the least of these”...and of course...God. Many times there are emotional associations attached to people we are trying to love and those emotions can exert huge influence over our choice of how we respond to others. There is an investment of emotional energy and we want a payback. Often times we are so selfish and self seeking it is impossible for us to reach out beyond our own needs to connect with another. Perhaps fear of the unknown and loss of control or being controlled by others is a factor. How someone will respond is unpredictable and we try to control that through manipulation and measured responses to those individuals. If you do not leave behind the emotions associated with this person, then you are still letting them take God’s place in your life. And by doing so, they are continuing to control your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions. You can’t “love” someone with your “actions” if your emotions are not in a state of love and peace and completely centered on God. This is the challenge that we all face...to come out of the self absorbed world in which we live and be mindful of the needs of others. It is easy for us to feel overwhelmed with the amount of needs we face every day both in our communities and the world. It can be so overpowering and we can fell so helpless that we are stunned into paralysis feeling totally incapable to make a dent in anything. This is why there is so much talk and advocacy with little action to address pressing needs. Talk is cheap...literally and emotionally...and easy... and keeps God out of the picture. To love others in the way that Jesus has shown requires action and service and it begins with one...me. I have to understand the basic fact that I was once that unreachable and unlovable person and Jesus sought me out and redeemed and restored me with His love. Love is not static...love is a verb. How arrogant of me to be so selfish and filled with pride as to not believe that those I perceive as unlovable and untouchable could just as easy be me. If not for the totally unmerited grace that I constantly receive from Jesus...that would be me. That should be a sobering thought for all of us when we feel that need to withhold love from someone based on how they look, act, think, smell or in any other way they might offend us. Jesus certainly didn't have a problem with any of that...why do we? How will you serve today? How will you reach out in an unexpected way to that someone you find tough to love? Someone is waiting on you...

who am I really?...

         A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world. -  Dorthy L. Sayers

I have recently landed a new job after a lengthy period of unemployment. These infrequent periods of unemployment are really nothing new to me but this one was a little longer than normal. There are several problems with being unemployed for an extended period .beyond the obvious one of not having an income stream. One of the things I have discovered over the years is that we are very much identified by the work we do and that often times leads to additional dialogue. However, when we are unemployed there is a whole different thing that happens when someone ask..”what do you do?” and you reply that you are “not working but looking”. I love to see the look on peoples faces when you try to explain your unique situation and they just don't get it. I'm used to it ...so it doesn't bother me...but it used to. The one thing I have discovered that has been an important lesson to me is that I am not defined by what I do...but by what I am. In today's community we are assigned a place in society based on what we do and the relative value attached to that thing. When we no longer are doing that thing we wonder where we fit in the world. It is hard to be still and idle for any reason in today's culture. It is unacceptable when we are not perceived as busy or productive. Whether we realize it or accept it we are always being measured and compared in some way or another. When you have complete awareness of your identity, you don’t have to rely on any external descriptors to define who you are. You get to be who you are – a unique being, accepted for your individual qualities and characteristics. With awareness and accep­tance of your internal identity, you are less likely to fall into the comparison trap A lot of what determines our worth and usefulness is our ability and desire to work at something judged by others as good or necessary. Thus...we pride ourselves on our ability to work and be productive and develop an image we project to the world and that becomes our identity. So...it only stands to reason that when that becomes compromised due to illness, unemployment or other reasons we and others perceive that we are less desirable and worthy. You see...we all start out from square one with this unique identity of who we really are and that is given by God. It's the basic ingredient of our makeup...it's in our DNA. Then from that point we add to it in our own ways. Things we think are important like what we wear...where we live...who we know. We call that success and then that often replaces what God says and our identity is now based on that illusion. We work very hard at fooling people into believing we are successful and that our happiness is based on appearances. As our identity is so intricately tied in with success or failure...for many failure is not an option. So we hold back and stay in our comfort zone...our safe place. We become risk adverse because if we fail...and we will sometime...we take a big hit on what we believe our identity to be. For many of us this can be quite unsettling and even progress to a full blown crisis. This is why it is so important to know who we are at the core of our being...the place that cannot be shaken. If not, the crisis will find you again and again, resulting in a fear of failure, fear of abandonment, and fear of never finding your true identity. An example of this would be the proverbial mid-life crisis. You get to that certain age...that certain point in your life and look around and say...”is this all there is?” Surely there's more to life than this one I have been living. I'm gonna change...I'm gonna have a new identity. Yeah...ok...we all know how that goes for guys...new Corvette replaces the Camry...custom cowboy boots replace the tasseled loafers...and a girlfriend your daughters age replaces your wife of twenty five years. Really? This is the identity you desire now...middle aged guy who has lost his marbles...I think the more true question to be wrestled with at this mid point is do I go on living a life of success and all the external trappings that involves or do I seek to live a life of significance. With full recognition of your true internal identity...that identity placed inside of you by God...you are very much less likely to seek something else external or outside of that to make you feel complete. Your identity can be thought of as who you are at your deepest core...your integrity. The process of uncovering and getting to the essence of that core, and the ability to get in touch with who you are is often times very daunting and can be gut wrenching. However it is absolutely the first thing that must be done on the road to authenticity and significance in our daily lives. Without any conscious awareness and understanding of our identity it is impossible to be authentic. How can we hope to be real if we don’t have a clue of what real is? Without even a little knowledge of our values and core beliefs, how can we make decisions or know what we want? Our relationships, career choices, lifestyle, and everything we deem important as an adult are all impacted by our identity. Awareness of our identity allows us to authentically and passionately pursue our path in life. It is never too late to change course once that realization and awareness comes. People change at many different points in their lives...sometimes willingly...sometimes not. If we have no knowledge of what makes our heart sing, what is important to us, or what is our life purpose, how can we form a vision for our future? We can't...and we just drift along until the next crisis comes...and it will. Again, if we don’t know who we are, how can we determine what we want and where we are headed? The actions we take toward our vision must be in alignment with our values, core beliefs and the essence of our identity if we are to be fulfilled and live our life to its highest purpose. That comes from knowing who we are in Christ and absolutely has nothing to do with riding the wave of the next best and latest cool thing...It's easy to fall from those lofty perches...sometimes.

thoughts on going home...

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.  ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I sat somewhere that became holy yesterday...I sat at someones bedside where I work and watched them die. I slowly watched the end of ninety two years of a hard life all come down to one last easy shallow breath. Air goes in...air goes out...the end. Just like that the mortal time that we count in so many different ways on the earth comes to a stop. Like a billowy snow white cloud on a summer day...it passes over our heads...floats out of view and is gone. That God would allow me to sit and be present during this crossing over from the finite to the eternal is humbling. The achingly bare intimacy of someones final moments is soul stirring. In a blink of our eye...life is gone. The mother...the grandmother...the friend...everything one was in their life becomes more important now. What is becomes what was and we remember. The daughter sits resolute and utterly determined to stare death in the face and not flinch...but she does and the tears tumble onto her mothers pale frail hand which she grips tightly. We desperately hold on...unable to let go...unable to say the first of a series of goodbyes. The release is the hardest part. The reality and the finality of the release is almost too much to bear. I suddenly remembered when my own mother died and in an unexpected moment happening right now...it all felt the same. My throat is tight...my breathing becomes tense...I bite my lip...hard. I look away but I am losing this battle. I say a prayer to distract myself and keep it together and remain professional. I know that love loosens our grip...when we really love we can let go of the tight hold that keeps us bound in the earthly realm. I stand and lay my hand on the ever cooling cheek...say another prayer. I study the face in the most minute detail...as if looking at a painting by Van Gogh...Renoir...or another great artist of long ago. I wondered if all the worry and pain and suffering...heartbreak...and disappointment etched those amazing lines into her face. Time stood still for just a minute. I imagined the joy of knowing in that final lucid moment that soon...very soon...I will be on my way to heaven to meet my Father...I am reminded of the hymn that they sing here practically every Sunday...” When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, We’ll sing and shout the victory!” It will indeed be rejoicing when this lady gets home. No matter how many times I witness this mystery of death it never gets any easier. The questions are always the same, There are no easy answers, There is very little I can say that makes sense in the face of such personal and seemingly unbearable loss. Any word feels inadequate right now...just silence is enough. In that silence comes an eventual understanding that it's ok to let go and I am only holding on out of fear and selfishness. There is a feeling of being left alone no matter how old we are...it's a primal fear. We know that the reality is we are never alone and that God is always near to us and the feeling of being alone is just an illusion. The other reality is that once we have died we are just an empty shell much like the empty shells of cicadas that get left behind. The deceased becomes representational of a different time of our lives and we are flooded with memories of every sort. Those memories keep us alive in essence once our physical bodies have failed and gone. It is always bittersweet for me to share these most intimate moments with families. I am always glad that someone was here holding the hand...wiping the tears...as many time there is not. Many times people die alone...fade into oblivion...and all that their life was goes unrecognized in that moment. To me...that's sad...even tragic...not to be remembered and loved...in our death. It is as if another brilliant star has fallen from the sky and nobody saw it...

be careful where you step...

There probably isn't a more effective piece of real estate in the arena of war than a minefield. Just as on the tragic battlefields that opponents engage each other...followers of Christ are...and have been...fighting a similar battle. Land mines are a particularly effective and destructive weapon for several reasons. Primarily, because they are buried and out of plain sight in an area that is usually traveled by foot or vehicle...a common pathway. The land mines are detonated by weight placed on top of them and do not discriminate in the severe damage inflicted on unsuspecting victims. Additionally, most land mines are intended to maim or injure and not necessarily outright kill...although many may die from result of those injuries. As a follower of Christ we live in a world that is a virtual minefield in so many respects. There are unknown dangers awaiting...sometimes out of sight and sometimes not...wanting to just blow us up. We have to be so careful and mindful of where we are walking at all times. The internet is a minefield and in the war for control of our minds there is no more a destructive virtual landmine than pornography. It is the proverbial elephant in the room that as Christians we find particularly difficult to talk about. It poisons, corrodes, and eventually destroys everything it touches. It is pervasive in our culture from the most subtle nuances in advertising to the blatant glorification of porn stars in mainstream media. It drives the multi billion dollar sex trafficking business. It is another example of how the edge of what we will accept is being pushed out farther and farther all of the time. One might ask...:”How has this happened?” Easy answer...we have allowed...encouraged...and welcomed it into our everyday life. The media certainly bears a lot of the blame as they know that sex sells...very well. The internet has caused an exponential explosion of porn. Consider these facts...

89% of porn is created in the U.S.
$2.84 billion in revenue was generated from U.S. porn sites in 2006
$89/second is spent on porn
72% of porn viewers are men
260 new porn sites go online daily

Are you shocked at that? I am not really because I am a guy and realize that porn is constantly marketed to me both indirectly and sometimes very specifically. Sadly, most men are fools and we lose our ability to reject what is a clear plan to destroy us with our sometimes willing help. I challenge anyone to say that porn is not both a highly addictive and an ever escalating habit. As with any other addiction there is no final end point nor is just a little porn ever enough. It creates within us a ravenous appetite and that demand drives all aspects of the industry. The mavens of this business know this one fact and are more than willing to supply an endless array of goods and services from mild to wild. I am always fascinated when I hear from someone that they are involved in porn but it isn't really hurting anyone. Really? What a lie from hell that is...Porn hurts everyone. I repeat...If it was something you could control and you aren't hurting anyone...why does it have to be done primarily alone...in isolation...and in secret? I am not going to lie here...yeah, I have looked at it many years ago...a lot. I know that it is not conducive to a healthy marriage nor is it complete unto itself. One of the biggest problems I see is it sets up in ones mind a false paradigm that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy creating the inability to maintain intimacy in a relationship. If you cannot maintain intimacy with a spouse...you certainly cannot maintain it with God. The deception one has to live under when addicted to porn spills over into all other areas of your life...no matter how clever you think you might be. Everything you say and do becomes suspect when you are living a lie this big. Eventually...much to everyone's shock and dismay...it all comes crashing down on you. Yeah...you step on a landmine...everything gets blown up...you get hurt and so do others. Then come the questions...the endless...the mostly unanswerable questions. We ask ourselves questions...its a time of shock and denial. “How did I get here?” is probably a common question. We got here because we foolishly believed a series of lies solely designed to accomplish the specific purpose of destroying our soul. The end point is being forever separated from God and spending an eternity in the depths of hell. The sad fact is there are a lot of people impacted by this selfishness...people that love and care about us. The even sadder fact is that unless you care for yourself in a healthy and loving way it really doesn't matter how much they care. Yeah...it's horrible and tragic to watch someone step on that landmine...especially if you have done it yourself. We have this sick fascination with watching disasters...car wrecks...and other human failures. However...there is no joy for anyone watching someone getting ready to step out onto the minefield...we wince with each step...

yeah...I'm an addict

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” John 6: 26-29


It is oh so easy for us to look out from our lofty perches sometimes and see a thing...a defect...a shortcoming...a sin... in someone else that we are blinded to in ourselves. Some perhaps would call it judging others...I would simply call it misjudging ourselves. I find it incredibly both arrogant and naive that we could point an accusing finger at someone and not realize that but for the grace of God we are spared so much misery. I am thinking specifically about our tremendously addicted culture that we live in and how we ourselves become enablers and users. We are constantly comparing and judging ourselves against others in nomenclature and scale of addictions. By doing that we can rationalize our behavior and assign a degree of what is acceptable and what is not. That's how we can say that drinking 5-6 cups of coffee and 3-4 energy drinks is ok...but shooting heroin is bad...really bad. Or even...looking at a little porn...Is there even such a thing as a “little" porn? It is so easy for us to normalize our many addictions as we have incorporated them into the fabric of our daily lives. We often say...” well, this isn't really hurting anyone”...Really? The reality is we have given our biggest addiction that most of us suffer from an entirely different name so that it doesn't sound too bad...it's called consumerism and consumption. We are addicted to stuff...getting stuff...buying stuff..holding on to stuff. We are all about stuff...Jesus addresses that here in this passage from the gospel of John. When the disciples and the people came looking for Jesus he told them they in essence came looking for what Jesus could give them. They weren't seeking more signs...they were looking for freebies and something to fill their stomachs again. They were looking for stuff...We are no different. We often times approach Jesus in prayer seeking a thing as opposed to seeking His presence. Even when we get that one desired thing it just never seems to be enough as the endless hunger of addictions continues to ravage our lives. We are always looking...for the next best thing...the newest thing...the coolest thing... thinking this will ease this gnawing craving we feel in the depths of our soul. We chase after stuff with the idea that it will satisfy us once and for all. It won't...it's a mirage. It's a clever and cruel trick of Satan. It is only a very temporary fix...no different than the handful of pills we take to self medicate and numb our psychic pain. It has been described by many as a “hole in the heart” and we...sadly...believe we can fill that hole with stuff. So...we chase the dream with wild abandon and constantly work to get stuff and amass dubious treasure while here on earth. In Matthew 6: 19-21 it says,

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

The fact is that pursuing that false hope of riches comes at a great cost to us both individually and as a culture. Jesus reminds us in the passage from John to not to work for food that spoils...that perishes. He is trying to tell us that the sense of fullness and satisfaction we desperately seek is not found anywhere or in anything outside of Him. He is trying to tell us that this easily spoiled food makes us sick...addicted. The cost of chasing and living this so called American dream is entirely charged to us and what we can do in our power and with self reliance. On the other hand...the cost of pursuing a life of following Christ is solely charged to Him and He paid the price for us on the cross. How refreshing and stress relieving it is to know that I can be freed from the grips of an addiction that only seeks to destroy me and everything I touch. Entangled within the snare of a works based system of belief...it slowly becomes apparent that there is never enough I can do or be to measure up to the unrealistic expectation in my mind of who I should be and what I should have. We are unwitting pawns in a cruel game that we will never be able to win. The good news...there is a solution. As Jesus said in the passage from John...the only work we need to be concerned with is the one that God requires...and that is simply to believe in the one He has sent...that's where the freedom from this addiction begins...there is this amazing light at the end of the tunnel... and as the song says...” Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness...out of shame...”

what are YOU giving up for Lent?

We have entered into the Lenten season. There is no time that is more soul searching for a follower of Jesus than this next 40 days. The conversation is often initiated by the standard...”what are you giving up for Lent?”. I didn't grow up in a churched family nor did I have many, if any, Catholic friends to clue me in on the giving up season. At my house things were more focused on Easter eggs, chocolate “hollow” rabbits and ham for Easter dinner. Oh yeah, dressing up on Easter and getting the requisite pics of a dorky kid with a Easter basket. It wasn't until very many years later I learned about everything that happened historically during the time of Jesus and events leading up to His death, burial and resurrection. I will have to say I got it in little bits and pieces and slowly processed the entire picture. I, however still didn't get the whole Lent thing until I became an adult and every year I gain some new insight. This year will be no different I am sure... Last year I went to see this tremendously theatrical production of a very compressed version of these 40 days at a local church renown for this pageant. It was extremely well done and very emotionally charged and provocative. I actually felt disgust for the Roman soldiers as they arrogantly walked by in front of me. They were TOTALLY in character. In 2004 the movie The Passion of the Christ came out and I have to admit I did not see it until about 2007. I found it to be practically unbearable to watch the first time I saw it. Yeah...of course...I cried...a lot. I remember being on a mission trip in the Dominican Republic with Victory Christian Center in 2008 and they showed a scene from The Passion on a giant screen on stage during a nightly evangelical crusade. I looked around and the people were completely spellbound. No one moved...no one spoke...all eyes were on the screen. At the end of the scene more people than I could count were weeping and praising Jesus...powerful. I can only imagine if they could see the entire film. I get the concept of giving something up for lent...or fasting...making a sacrifice...refocusing attention on Jesus...40 Days of Water. As I always fast completely for a lengthy period at the beginning of the year...no food...no TV...it seems a little anti climatic to fast 6 days a week...take a break Sundays and resume for 40 days. It just all seems so contrived and legalistic with lots of rules and regulations and different interpretations of what is the right way and a lot of focus on self. I don't think that is really what is intended when we fast and pray. In Matthew 6: 16-18, it says,

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Observing the season of Lent is a way that we can place ourselves before God humbled and broken bringing nothing of our own doing enabling ourselves the ability to purchase our salvation. It is a way for us individually to confess our total inadequacy and dependency on a sovereign and all providing God and to strip away all pretenses of debilitating prideful righteousness. It is a way to empty ourselves of our foolish false pride, of our rationalizing and blindness that prevent us from seeing ourselves as needy creatures, of our perfectionist tendencies that cause unmet expectations that weakens our faith. So...let's see...what could I possibly give up for Lent. Chocolate...uh...no. TV...don't watch enough to be sacrificial. Perhaps we all should dig a little deeper into what really is taking time away from Jesus...what is keeping your prayers short and generic?...what is keeping you from reading the Bible?...what is competing against your relationship with Jesus? I promise that there is something... I know there is for me. There always is something...I have a very hard time with focus and being single minded about something. That's a lot of the reason why I fast every year at the beginning of the year...it sets the tone for the year. It's like any kind of training you would do for an upcoming sporting event...What Jesus requires is no different. He wants singlemindness and dedication to purpose. The season of Lent is all about penitence and reflection and forgiveness of self and others. Being mindful of our sins and shortcomings and trying to listen to what God is speaking to us...trying to teach us. So, as you can see there is much we can give up and there is much work to be done to facilitate healing. So...yeah...I have plenty of stuff that I can give up besides peanut M & Ms and vanilla cokes and mediocre TV... I can give up my cleverly disguised pride and creeping...at times...unbelief that God really hears me when I whisper... help me...I can give up my need to fail sometimes...when others are praying so hard for me to succeed. I can give up my penchant to judge others...even if in the tiniest seemingly insignificant ways. I guess that's enough to keep me busy for 40 days...thankfully I get Sundays off...

thoughts on the gospel...part 3

I must confess that until the last few years I wasn't even aware of the term...social justice. I am pretty sure that I knew a lot about all the stuff it assumes to represent...I just didn't bandy it about in casual conversation. I became well acquainted with the term and use of it during some recent involvement with a human rights organization. I must also confess...while I'm in a confessing mood...that I frequently used this term in relation to being a follower of Jesus and sometimes without a real understanding of that relationship. There is a vast array of social justice issues and they wax and wane in popularity based on who the most vociferous celebrity spokesperson is supporting their pet cause. The problem for me and the danger I see is that chasing and promoting these various causes has become another mutation of the gospel. Everyone has a different idea of exactly what the pressing issues are in the realm of social justice and very busily are trying to incorporate them into the framework of the gospel. They are wrapped within that framework and brought into the mainstream in their churches. There is no doubt about the fact that Jesus was very concerned and filled with compassion over the plight of the oppressed and disenfranchised. Jesus clearly had a special sense of mission to poor and oppressed people. When Jesus boldly announced the beginning of his ministry on the earth, sometimes commonly known as Jesus' mission statement, He stood up in the synagogue at Nazareth and read these words from the prophet Isaiah:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Luke 4:18-19

As Andrew Beckner, in his blog, A Candid Christian says, “Fighting social injustice without incorporating Jesus into the mix doesn't mean anything to the one ministering or to the one being ministered to. That's because the minister isn't able to reconcile himself to God through works, and the one being ministered to cannot hope to find reconciliation to God through someone other than Jesus.” I think this sums up the difficulty of the so called gospel of social justice... it is a fairly difficult idea to be accepted by the average church-goer. People sometimes see a thinly veiled attempt to marry a social cause and the gospel together in order to advance an agenda and are suspicious of that. If people are suspicious then it is very difficult to get them to even hear the message or participate. Unfortunately sometimes the actual gospel and Jesus gets squeezed out to make room for the facts and figures and the call to action. If you do not include Jesus two other significant problems arise. First, you rob yourself of the true source of your power to effect change within the culture as a whole and address specific social issues. You completely discount the Holy Spirit as the main factor in creating the possibility of change...redemption...and restoration. There comes a great urge to try to do this thing that needs to be done in our own power. Of course, we all know the danger of that...God doesn't get the glory and we become less dependent on God to take care of things without us helping Him and trying to control and manipulate things. He really hates that...It is so easy for us to get the cart in front of the horse...we mess stuff up when we try to limit Gods power and ability and only allow Him to operate within a narrow range that our often small faith and vision permits. I know that sounds crazy but that is what we do...a lot. We get into a very dangerous place where we are operating on a works alone system of belief. God is able to do anything and everything and so much more than we could possible imagine. We just need to take Him out of the box or let Him off the leash that we walk Him around on. It is absolutely imperative that the message of the true gospel be kept in the forefront and that any cause we seek to advocate for or dedicate ourselves to... we must understand that it is an adjunct only. The other problem is that in our passion and fervor the social justice issues can become politicized and then if so several things happen and all are usually not so good for the causes or those who support them. With the politicization we draw lines...take sides...place labels...move apart...stereotype. However the bigger danger is that we slip into black and white thinking and develop a us or them mentality. It becomes divisive and not unifying for the body of Christ. One becomes judgmental if you do not see and agree with the point of whatever the cause is...that's one thing we certainly do not need more of in our churches. We see the world only in extremes...perfection versus chaos. Our expectations are never met as there is no perfection in social causes. There is only perfection in Jesus...and He set the bar very high. So...it is apparent to me that an easy solution to avoid extremism and division within the church is to ensure that the true gospel always comes first...it is the saving works of Jesus that unifies us...nothing we could possibly do on our own contributes anything toward that goal. I think is very simply a matter of the fact that we all really need to be reminded frequently that really there is neither a Pentecostal nor a Southern Baptist seated in heaven on the throne of God. I would be willing to guarantee that each and every one of us will have our argued over and fought for theologies corrected when we stand before Jesus. Therefore, we need to seek to work together to further the Kingdom of God and incorporate the social justice message that Jesus taught us as He served those who were oppressed and living in captivity. Jesus came to seek and save the lost but He also came to feed the hungry...give drink to the thirsty...restore sight to the blind. I think there is room for us all at the table and there certainly is enough need that we all can serve the least of these for a very long time. Really...isn't that what we are here for? As far as I am concerned social justice is simply doing the things to model Jesus for those who looking to see what He really looks like...Is the cause that you are advocating for...wearing the t shirt for...putting Jesus and the true gospel up front? If not... you just have another thing that looks and smells like every other world saving idea that has come and gone...because we all know that there is only one real sustainable... enduring...hope defining...life affirming answer...Jesus.