and so...this is how it ends

As 2010 draws to an end and 2011 looms on the horizon it seems there are significantly more questions than answers this year. I think it is a normal thing for us to look back. We are seemingly always prone to do that. Remember Lots wife? Yeah the looking back can have some bad consequences, right? I try not to look at the minutia of the day to day living of my life but I look at the overall direction and trends. Am I still moving in the direction that lines up with what God has chosen and NOT what I desire? It is really easy to blur the lines sometimes when we want something so bad. I find that I tend to over analyze situations particularly where I feel like I have fallen short of what God expects of me. I know that I am prone to disappoint people for a lot of reasons...mostly expectations. I have done a fair amount of disappointing this year. But more importantly, I really hate it when I feel like I disappoint God in the many opportunities He gives me. Weirdly enough, this is what aggravates and frustrates me the most in others. If others don't share my passions and aren't completely missional focused I get lost in their inabilities and let it affect mine. I have actually come to understand this a lot better throughout this year and discovered that sometimes...no, a LOT of times...I just need to get the heck out of the way and let God go to work. On a deeper level I have discovered this is a faith issue and I am slowly learning to take ownership of that. It is not that I don;t believe that God can't do...I just want to help Him. Aren't we all guilty of that ? Yeah, we are. This is the basis of how we all come up with our personal definition of who God is. “BUT WHO DO YOU SAY I AM ?” We put God in a box or on a leash and carefully craft His abilities to suit our needs. Yeah, we do that a lot...So, one of my overarching goals for this next year is just to be very small and let God be very BIG...everywhere I go and in everything I do this next year. It's completely humbling to know everything I've done...especially the seemingly impossible things...the small ordinary things...have been because God has empowered me in order to make Him famous. I have that as my one big goal for 2011...I am sure there will be a lot of unexpected twists and turns on this continued journey. I am sure that I will disappoint people and for that I apologize in advance. Thank you for your grace... I hope and pray that I will disappoint my God even less and just take my hands off the knobs and trust...and breathe. And most importantly, to simply understand what he requires of me...which is:

“With what shall I come before the LORD

 and bow down before the exalted God?

Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,

 with calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,

 with ten thousand rivers of olive oil?

Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,

 the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.

 And what does the LORD require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

 and to walk humbly with your God.”

I encourage you in this upcoming year to go beyond your comfort zone and push your faith out to a risky edge...where it's scary and you want to hold on tight and desperately cling to the familiar things. God is calling you to a place where the previously thought impossible becomes your reality. God wants you to let go and abandon your preconceived notions of what He can do...We are the bearers of Gods grace and our challenge this coming year is to show that to people and to dispense it liberally...

Fathers day 2010...random thoughts

In a perfect world, today I would be hanging out with my dad and we would be enjoying each others company. I would be doing all the things we do to honor our dads on their special day. I rather suspect we would be having a cook out in the back yard. I would be cooking and he would be supervising and pointing out everything I was doing wrong. I would just shrug and try to take his semi-constructive criticism with a grain of salt. His grand kids would be running around doing what kids do when out in backyards on fathers day. “c'mon grandpa...throw me the ball...”. He would look amused and that familiar half smile would appear. “Maybe later...you kids go on...”. Yeah, I heard that a lot. It was ok though, I was just happy to have him there and hanging out. I mean...after all...isn't that what fathers day is really about ?? Having dad there hanging out...just being the dad...and doing the stuff that dads do. Like...working on the car...shaving and leaving his whiskers in the bathroom sink...mowing the yard...dropping us off at church...letting us practice driving the car...taking us fishing...reading the paper at breakfast...and yelling a lot. It's funny how much stuff we remember and how much we forget. The painful and difficult times always seem to stand out and overshadow everything else that was good. I have discovered that most holidays, whether major or minor, are actually remembrance days. Some, like Christmas and Thanksgiving are often emotionally charged and highly evocative and reflective of the complexity of living in dysfunctional families. I think fathers day has that effect on many of us whether sons or daughters. It does me...I was like so many others and didn't have the kind of dad... that idealized one that we so often saw on television, growing up in the sixties. The dad I had was the dad that God gave me and it took me a long time to realize this and to be thankful and to be able to honor him. That is a big part of growing up and becoming a dad yourself. The unfortunate thing is when we are struggling with our earthly father child relationship we struggle with out heavenly one as well. That understanding of our heavenly father is a foundational concept in understanding how God wants to bless us and it is the essence of our relationship with Him. Our inability to forge a lasting and sustainable relationship with our biological fathers has such huge implications and ramifications for our continued survival as a society. However, our reluctance to acknowledge and strive for a relationship with our heavenly father has an even bigger impact on ourselves and others. The facts are well known...documented...discussed...and disputed. Here are just a few for you to mull over:

 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes

 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes


 80% of rapist motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes


 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in fatherless homes


 71% of pregnant teenagers come from fatherless homes


 80% of all adolescents in psychiatric hospitals come from fatherless homes

and finally how about this one to jar you out of your coma...the absence of a biological father increases by 900% a daughters vulnerability to rape and sexual abuse...often at the hands of a step father or boyfriend of the mother.

I think you get the point here...it's beyond bad and we all bear some responsibility. According to an ancient African proverb,“It takes a village to raise a child”and we are all part of that village. For all the kids living in fatherless homes today I pray we get this and someone steps up to the plate...there are a lot of us...waiting.

in the potters hands...

There is a part of me that says “YES, I can” and there is also a part that says “Uh...no...you can't” and they are always in conflict and at odds with each other. I really do believe that friction and conflict are vital elements and what makes for good stories and writing good stories with our lives, as my friend Don says. I have actually never given much thought of how this story that is me is constructed. I have never carefully analyzed the individual parts that conspire together that make the whole. But after hearing...a lot...about how good stories are seemingly simply generated from the most basic of ideas I see the absolute need for this conflict to exist. It seems all my life I have fought hard against this conflict within me and I didn't like how it made me feel most of the time. I always had a sense that I was out of balance, shall we say. Unfortunately my response to this wasn't a good one. I always gave up to the louder can't do it part of me. I was a quitter. Right now, I even hate looking at those words as they appear on the screen as I type. It is so NOT who I am anymore. But it was a long process to tone down that incessant chatter in my head defeating me at anything I tried. The bad part of that is at some point you just give up trying as you figure...what's the use? I grew to always expect the same outcome which was failure. I think there are so many places we allow doubt and lack of faith to creep in to our daily lives and determine outcomes of things we attempt. We get robbed of our potential and our dreams by a false logic that sets up in us sometimes very early in life. Once that happens ever decision we make is touched by it. We set up, in our lives, a self fulfilling prophecy that we work hard to make come true. We put a lot of effort into something that is totally based on the fallacy that we are flawed and can't measure up to someones expectations. It is a vicious cycle that engulfs us and we begin to live our lives as victims. I was a victim. I was a victim of my own making. I was determined to do things my way and that way was the hardest way I could find to do anything. The end result of all this was I became unlovable and was bent on destruction. I wasted a lot of years living that way. But, here's the good news...In my darkest hour and in my utter brokenness, God gently reminded me that He has never left me and I was the one running away. He called me to come back home. He told me he loved me no matter what I had done...of course...He knew. I never had that from my earthly father so it was a little difficult to embrace this news. But I did and I surrendered...I was tired. I literally fell into His arms and found everything I had been longing for so long. I found grace,redemption and healing. I found the me that got lost so long ago. I discovered that when empowered by Christ that my weakness was an asset and not a liability. I discovered that I was lovable and that one simple fact changed my life. So many of us wandering around today feeling so rejected and unlovable believe that lie. Slowly but surely the plan emerged and things once out of my reach became obtainable. Those are called blessings. I didn't feel the urge to quit anymore and destroy every relationship I had built. This is the true transformed life that Jesus is calling us to. All we have to do is just give up, surrender, abandon self reliance, remove ourselves away from our lives, live out of the box, and embrace a very risky faith...and I'm really doing that.

your blood pressure is...WHAT ?

So, being a nurse, one of the most basic things we are taught to check to assess how someone is doing is taking their vital signs. This usually consists of their temperature, pulse, respirations and blood pressure. This is the standard and usually applicable in almost every situation. I am sure that I have taken literally thousands of vital signs in the last almost 40 years. I can also assure you that I have seen every value from the lowest low to the highest high. I can remember many times of being scared of a particular numerical reading and really focusing my efforts on fixing the number...irrespective of what the patient looked like. It took me lots of years to relax and learn to focus on the overall picture and not one isolated element. I was thinking abut this a lot lately and pondering how when we focus too closely and intently on one thing or aspect of something we impair our vision for the big picture that God wants to see. Unfortunately, even with the best of our state of the art medical technology we have yet to devise a thermometer or other device to measure our spiritual vital signs. I have discovered this is often times the most critical and overlooked vital sign and has significant impact on all the others. It is a well know fact that the wellness of our spirituality has a direct impact on our physical health. This is where the whole concept of holistic health originated. Any one aspect of our health cannot be ignored or it will be at the expense of total wellness. The challenge is how do we not only measure but intervene to repair and improve our spiritual health. The hard part with most people is just to talk about it. It still is an area that is mostly off limits in discussions and talking about health history. We readily discuss the most intimate and personal heath issues with almost complete strangers readily. However when it comes to the issues of our spiritual health it is a very different story. We stiffen up, become defensive and feel personally challenged when questioned even in the most benign manner. I can readily imagine a conversation between you and your doctor going something like this, "well...your blood pressure is better and your cholesterol has really improved...". And you say, "yeah...I have been exercising a little more...you know, trying to watch what I'm eating...". Your doctor then says, " You still going to church ? Making time to read the Bible ? you still praying every day ? what about your small group ?...". Would that be awkward ? You bet...Would you be shocked and possibly irritable ? Highly probable...It is almost like it is the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle laying there before us but we don't want to touch it and finish the picture. We do our best to keep it private and to try and ignore the importance of our relationship with God as a barometer of our state of wellness. How do we fix "sickness" in others spiritual health. First and foremost we need to make sure ours is healthy. It is hard to be sick or wounded and try to give good advice to someone else to improve theirs if ours is broken. Secondly, our approach has to be relational and not condemning and judgemental. We have to take people right where they are at...not where we want them to be, and go from there. We need to love people back into healthiness and not shame them into going somewhere they are not ready to go. It's like losing weight when you aren't mentally ready and haven't dealt with underlying emotional issues...it just comes back on. Our spiritual health is the foundation and bedrock on which everything else rests. We certainly know happens without a strong foundation to build on...everything eventually collapses. So, the next time you see me and I am asking about your blood pressure, blood sugar and other "numbers" don't get mad or tense up when I ask you, " how are you and Jesus getting along these days ?...did you two finally work out your differences ?...No ? ...you need to or it's gonna kill you..."

Romans12:13    Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.


3 John 1:5-8  Beloved, it is a faithful thing you do in all your efforts for these brothers, strangers as they are,  who testified to your love before the church. You will do well to send them on their journey in a manner worthy of God.  For they have gone out for the sake of the name, accepting nothing from the Gentiles. Therefore we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth.


So, with these two verses in mind, it is clear that we, the church, are to provide and contribute to the needs of saints as they journey on misson sharing the gospel with a lost world. Author and theologian, Ana Maria Pineda says,
"To welcome the stranger is to acknowledge him as a human being made in God's image; it is to treat her as one of equal worth with ourselves - indeed, as one who may teach us something out of the richness of experiences different from our own."
The longstanding Christian tradition of hospitality is the practice of providing a welcoming place to take in a stranger. It also includes the willingness to welcome strangers and those in need as well as friends and family to our tables, to feed and be fed by their presence there. It is abundantly clear, in the Bible, offering hospitality is a moral imperative. God's people need to remember the fact they were once strangers and wandering homeless refugees who were taken in by a benevolent and loving God. Shouldn't this memory of reliance on hospitality make someone feel inclined to host a stranger or a refugee? I think it would. I have no problem with that concept so I find it very difficult that anyone else would, especially a church or someone speaking for a church. I am going on a fund raising mission trip this summer involving 1800 miles of bicycling from Mobile Alabama to Buffalo New York. I will average about 75 miles a day which equates to roughly 6 hours a day on a bike seat about as wide as my hand. An important part of these mission focused bicycling trips is to interact with the local communities we will ride through on the route. And an important part of those communities are the local churches. It is faith building for both the cyclists and those we meet to share what God is doing on this trip and has done in our lives. This sharing our stories and sharing the gospel message of Jesus to serve others is as important as anything we do on this ride. However, if for any various number of reasons you individually or your church decides not to participate and demonstrate the hospitality that is decribed in the above referenced scripture, then we both lose. I have had the opportunity to be in contact with a number of churches in an attempt to find a willing host for the team after a long day of riding and have been both surprised and disappointed. I have been left with the feeling that I am selling some unknown product door to door and had that door closed in my face. That makes me feel like the "church" still just doesn't get it. I feel like I am an imposition on someone when in reality I am a blessing and an encourager sent to build your faith. I hear so much talk about being "missional" and "the GREAT comission" but the reality is we, meaning the church, are still hopelessly trapped inside the four walls of our buildings. We can't think, see or step outside the boxes or, God forbid, cross denominational lines. I won't lie...it hurts me when I am rejected and not even given the opportunity to share what I am doing to take the gospel to a lost and hurting world. It is unbelievable how poorly churches respond to email and telephone messages left on voicemails. I call it basic everyday common courtesy and it is sorely lacking in all areas of our culture. However, as an organization that is primarily in the business of responding to peoples needs, I seriously question how that is being done in a timely and effective manner. Maybe that's the problem....maybe the church has turned into an organization run by a CEO and is bloated with layers of administrative protocol that precludes even the simplest request by a group of cyclist passing though at the end of the day, tired and hungry. Seriously, church...is it really the best that you can do to send them away to a campground on the other side of town ? Is that really your understanding of the above scriptures ? If it is, we are really in big trouble. The fact is for many churches they "get it" and they are excited and eager to provide for our needs and sometimes it is hard to decide who gets blessed more in those times. I am thankful and hopeful that by their example others will follow. Then maybe the next time someone asks them to step out with a risky faith they will say..."yes...we would love to help you out...what can we do to help"

bad service...so-so food... and blessings...

My wife and I went out to eat the other night at one of our favorite local non-chain restaurants. This particular restaurant had a very good track record with us. Things were always predictable there. I like that. Especially with places I eat at. I think that predictability is solely responsible for the proliferation of restaurant chains all across the country. I immediately think of the popularity of Cracker Barrel. No matter where you go across the country their fried catfish or chicken and dumplins look the same and taste the same. Weirdly enough most of the food servers also look the same. Anyway, my point is people like the consistency of good food and good service when they dine out. So, when your expectations, based on past consistency, are not met it usually means trouble. This is exactly what happened. Now I am a pretty easygoing
non-confrontational guy about almost all things and figure anyone can have a bad day or be off their game. But…when you are in the business of interacting with the public and meeting their needs with some type of service, it’s important to be excellent. I really hate it and feel sad when someone misses an opportunity to be excellent. I guess the reason it bothers me so much is that I have missed the mark at times in the past and still do occasionally. I have always heard it said that the thing that irritates us the most in others is that same thing in us. It’s just easier to see it in others most of the time. I have a different reason to strive for excellence and that is because I am representing the Christ that is inside of me. I desire for who I am on the inside to match up with what people see on the outside. That is called integrity. When I try to be excellent in all that I do then that is being authentic to my true self and is what Christ desires for me. There is a synchronicity that happens. People know and are aware when you are in tune. You are able to meet others needs and expectations with ease and excellence easily flows from you. Some people have described it as being in the zone or the sweet spot. You are in perfect alignment with Gods’ will and purpose for your life because it is absolutely effortless. In Ephesians 5: 15-16, it says,

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”

I really like the part of that scripture that says making the most of every opportunity. If we could just remember that one simple idea so many things would be different in our daily lives. One area that would certainly be different is how we view our work no matter what it is that we do. Our work is a daily opportunity to demonstrate grace, forgiveness and to be excellent in interactions with others. If we are detached from that and there is incongruity between what we desire and what God desires for us it shows in how we interact with others. We miss a huge blessing. God blesses us and our gifts and abilities so that we may serve and bless others. Thinking about those many blessings without then asking how God would like us to use those blessings is simply arrogance, greed and selfishness. These blessings are, in fact, a reward for our faithfulness. However, the primary reason that God always rewards our faithfulness is because as faithful people we are called to share our blessings with others. The danger is we start keeping all the blessings to ourselves, either as individuals or as a church. I can assure you that once we are no longer faithful the reward will stop. So, it’s ok if you’re having a bad day…it’s ok if the service is poor and the food is just average. Just remember that you can compensate for the things not in your control and change everything by striving to be excellent and trying to imagine that you possibly may be serving Jesus…

heaven is....

Sometimes I think that God gives you a little peek into heaven. I think He does it to keep us intrigued with our own definitions of what it looks like. We all harbor this secret hope that we are right in the heaven that we have selected for ourselves. I remember hearing, over the years, many pastors trying to plant a vision in my mind of what heaven really looks like. There was a clear conflict between that vision and mine. I often thought, “How could they possibly know?” I realize that there some specific facts about heaven that can be gleaned from the Bible. I also know that there were three people, from Scripture, who were privileged to see heaven. All of these men, Stephen and the Apostles Paul and John, were alive when they were given a glimpse of the wonders of heaven. I also know that I think those facts are what causes us some consternation when we think of a real place called heaven. I think the pearly gates, streets paved with gold, the many mansions and a whole entire city challenges us on many levels. It calls into play our faith in a very big and real way. The Bible says, in Hebrews 11:1, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” The things we do not see we can only imagine. Some people have a very vivid and complex imagination and others do not. Irrespective of all that there is universal agreement that it will be a place of perfection and that it is a real place. Jesus very plainly tells us this in John 14: 2-4, when He says,

“In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

I love that Jesus says that heaven is a real place and that we know the way to get there and that He will be there…waiting on us. We are quick to say…this is heavenly or this is like heaven or I’m in heaven. But clearly it cannot be unless Jesus is there. I think that John Piper, in his book God is the Gospel, says it best when he says,

“The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever say, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?”

Of course not…God gives me a peek of the heaven that I often imagine on perfect days like today. It’s really simple actually…me, my best friend, my bike and a really long road. I call it bliss which is defined as a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness and joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife. It means you are in such perfect alignment with God and His purpose for your life. It is what some have called the sweet spot and we know it when we are there.I think about that every single time that I get on my bike. Not only do I think about it I feel it in the depths of my soul. Every time. I remember telling this to my wife when we went to Chicago last year to ride BIKE THE DRIVE with a really good friend. It was the early dawn light of a summer morning before sunrise. We were riding down the middle of a deserted and quiet Lakeshore Drive staring ahead at the downtown heart of Chicago. Just me…Joanne…Jesus…two bikes rolling along on a long road. I looked over at her…and with tears in my eyes said, “This is what heaven’s gonna be like…” She smiled.

even better...the second time around

So, I’m sitting on the bench …waiting…to be put into the game. I have trained hard for this moment and I feel especially confident that God will use me. I have “suited up”, I’ve studied the opponent, have learned the plays….C’mon God…put me in the game. Can’t you see I’m dying here? I can help “our side” win. Seriously, God, I’m ready…this is the big game…this is the one I’ve been waiting for. This pretty much sums up how I feel a lot of the time. I am waiting for the next big thing, that big opportunity to show God what I can do for Him. Sadly though, I am going through the agonizing process of learning this is not what God wants from me. As famed writer, Herni Nouwen says,

“Waiting is not a very popular attitude. In fact, most people consider waiting a waste of time. Perhaps this is because the culture in which we live is basically saying, “Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don’t just sit there and wait!” For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go. And people do not like such a place. They want to get out of it by doing something. In our particular historical situation, waiting is even more difficult because we are so fearful. One of the most pervasive emotions in the atmosphere around us is fear. People are afraid—afraid of inner feelings, afraid of other people, and also afraid of the future. And fearful people have a hard time waiting”.

I particularly do not like the waiting part and many times I do, in fact, feel like I am in that awful place between where I am and where I want to go. And for me my natural inclination is to help God along in “putting me into the game” by busying myself with trying to show God how ready I am. WRONG. Not what God wants at all. He made that clear in Luke 10:38-42, when it says,

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Ah, it’s the age old dilemma…doing versus just being. I so long for God to use me and place me in situations where I can serve Him in extraordinary ways. I have always wanted God to use me to reach out to touch the lives of other people, to be of service for Him and for others in unimaginable ways , to be a useful and valued part of the Body of Christ. I am so busy looking for the big things I realize I quite often miss the small things. I have agonized and wrung my hands needlessly wondering why God just won’t use me for this thing or that. The truth hit me full on and it was that there is a significant difference between God’s desires and mine. Whoops… So, let’s see…God’s desires…not mine, be still and don’t busy myself with things of little importance… Hmmm and finally wait on God and don’t be fearful.WoW. I think these are challenges for all of us as these are the pressures that bear so heavily upon us in our daily lives. A daily prayer for us all is Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God…”. In that stillness we are reminded of the ever present voice speaking as it always has and always will. There is no need to fear the wait because this is what God wants and He tells us “blessed is he that waiteth”. So, I wait and I am learning that that’s ok.

heading for the ditches...

There is an odd and curious driving effect that happens when we take our eyes off the road immediately in front of us. It appears that whatever we look at we drive toward. I am sure this is some kind of mystical physical law of the universe. Actually I have even noticed that you don’t necessarily have to be driving a car for this to happen. I have experienced this phenomenon while riding my bike. I have caught myself looking a little too long at something along the road and we begin to converge. I haven’t quite put myself in the ditch yet but I have come very close. I know at this point you may be wondering to yourself…”where’s he going with this?”, right? I am getting ready to draw a tremendous analogy here. In our daily lives the consequences of taking our eyes off the road we are on can have just as a devastating outcome. A brief period of inattention and looking at something peripheral to our chosen path can have a life altering and disastrous effect on us and others. We can lose focus in the blink of an eye. We willingly steer our lives right into the ditch and wonder how that happened. Simply put we go toward that thing we are looking at. Satan knows that so well and appeals to our poor driving skills and our propensity to end up in ditches. In Hebrews 12:2, it says,

“Let us fix our eyes on the Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I have also heard this referred to as “keeping your eyes on the prize”. I am not sure I actually like that one as it sounds too much like the proverbial carrot on the end of a stick. I don’t like to visualize the concept of driving well and working hard not to drift across the line for a reward at the end that I’ll never really receive. Although I do believe and understand there is a reward called heaven, I think the incentive for me personally is just the powerful memory of a few bad wrecks I’ve both had and caused. Sadly, there are some people who really like pain or have short memories for bad stuff and this wrecking doesn’t bother them much. When we start to veer and move toward the thing leading our eye away, God gives us a chance to correct before it’s too late. In that correction there is grace and in that grace there is redemption. God knows I am a bad driver and He knows I’m going to get distracted and look at stuff too long. I just imagine Him wincing, watching me and saying, “ooooh, this is gonna be bad…” It’s just like He is watching this big giant cosmic NASCAR race and patiently waiting for the predictable wreck to come. Except for the big wipeouts everything else just moves along uneventfully seemingly without notice. Days and years go by and we settle into a routine. As the saying goes, we fall asleep at the wheel. We become numb and hypnotized by the road because it’s straight and boring and we have everything we think we want. Our faith has gone to bed and we become adverse to risk. We become oblivious to the danger signs, road hazards and become casual and reckless and start to look around at things along the road. And then…we hold that gaze just a little too long…we take our eyes off the prize...yeah, the grass looks greener…in the ditch…yeah, this one’s really gonna hurt…...bad.

just say ...abracadabra

There is something that I particularly enjoy about watching a skilled magician deceive me with ease. I love to be amazed by the simplest tricks that challenge my understanding of what I believe I am seeing. Somehow there is this fundamental disconnect in my understanding of reality that happens in a blink of an eye. How easy it is for us to be deceived by others even when we know it and are on alert to the clues of the magician. God was keenly aware of our ability to be deceived as it is a major tool Satan uses to destroy our lives. There is a real basic design flaw within us. We have struggled with the consequences of being easily fooled for a really long time. From the very beginning of our presence on earth, Satan has been the greatest deceiver ever. We know that and we are constantly reminded to be on guard against deceptions of the enemy. God speaks to us throughout the Bible warning us over and over to be alert to various deceptions that can masquerade themselves. However, even worse than the deception of Satan and others is how easily and frequently we can deceive ourselves. In a recent blog, VirtueOnline, Ted Schroder, states,
“Self-deception is a shadowy phenomenon by which we pull the wool over some part of our own psyche. We put a move on ourselves. We deny, suppress, or minimize what we know to be true. We assert, adorn, and elevate what we know to be false. We prettify ugly realities and sell ourselves the prettified versions...We become our own dupes, playing the role of both perpetrator and victim. We know the truth - and yet we do not know it, because we persuade ourselves of its opposite. We actually forget that certain things are wrong and that we have done them. To the extent that we are self-deceived, we occupy a twilight zone in which we make up reality as we go along, a twilight zone in which the shortest distance between two points is a labyrinth.....A moment's reflection reminds us that self-deception has long been a growth industry. Why do alcoholics and other drug users typically go through years of self-denial? Why is the revelation of incest an astonishment to people who are living right in the middle of it?...Why do battering husbands offer minimizing and euphemistic accounts of the beatings they administer, and why do battered wives sometimes accept and repeat those accounts?" Jesus calls such self-deception 'hypocrisy'. Under the guise of doing good, of polishing one's image, vices masquerade as virtues. We learn to present something falsely, to make our presentation credible, and to avoid exposure. Even Satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 Cor.11:14) in order to look merely plausible. Evil appears in disguise. Hence our need for the Holy Spirit's gift of discernment. Hence the sheer difficulty, at times, of distinguishing good from what is evil. As sinners we try to keep up appearances. We are acutely sensitive to what others may think of us. Hence the constant attempt to explain, to justify, to rationalize, and to scapegoat evil. We want to appear to be good people.”
That desire to appear to be a good person is what gets us into so much trouble. We work hard to maintain appearances and to fool people much as a magician does. Our energy is spent creating a false reality where our faith is never engaged. We become only hearers of the Word and are single mindedly focused on image and our ability to exert influence. This is not what God intended. In James 1:22-25 it says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.” It is clear we are called to be doers and goers and not to sit idly by, not putting our faith to work in a risky way and living out of the confining boxes that have become our churches. This is where the real magic happens…when we serve others and advocate for social justice for the oppressed. Sawing a pretty girl into two halves or making an elephant disappear pales in comparison…anybody can do that…

the hardest thing to say...thank you

I sometimes am reminded about how blessed I am in a lot of different areas of my life. Some people like to call it luck…but I really dislike that term as it relates every good and bad thing that happens to chance. I actually used to think that way a long time ago. I suppose if we believe that we live by chance and total randomness then we live as victims of the whims of fate. Unfortunately, the problem with that is we don’t have to accept any responsibility for anything that happens. We just say that we have good or bad luck. The other problem with living on luck is that you lose your ability to be thankful and have gratitude. This is a big deal to me because it removes God from the equation. I think being thankful and having the ability to recognize where all that I receive flows from is critical to understanding our purpose and connection to God. I tend to look at things very simply sometimes and having gratitude and being thankful is one of those things. I really believe that the reason that people so easily forget this basic etiquette is this unspoken sense of entitlement that we live by. A sense of entitlement robs others of the ability to bless me because I already believe I deserve what I am receiving and therefore am unable to be thankful. The core attitude of being able to give thanks is humility. Humility is defined as, "A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake." One can readily see that submission to God and others is a key component. Perhaps this is where the rub lies. This is where we fail to understand. This is where we fall down. We are not submitting to anyone or anything except for our own selfish desires. It is in that submission to God that we recognize the inadequacy of the skill sets and talents we possess and become dependent and reliant on God just as He designed and intended. People, as we are prone to say, like to “live large”. We become legends in our own minds. We are measured by our Facebook and Twitter followers and blog statistics. Social media has become the barometer of our self worth and how we are valued by others. We assume a persona which is another word for a mask. This is not what God intended. We have become Gods bratty children expecting a cosmic “happy meal” with the latest cool toy inside. We have it all wrong. Very wrong. God wants you to have manners like back in the old days when we said please and thank you and may I be excused from the table. God doesn’t want you to wear masks because that interferes with people seeing Him in you. The thing that is... the most amazing part of all this is... that despite our inability to acknowledge the source of everything we have and are and to say thank you…He keeps right on giving. "Thankful people recognize their need, and the generosity and beneficence of the Giver, and every truly grateful person is humbled by the amazing gifts he’s received from God. So I see that true humility will always be accompanied by gratitude, and also, that those who are truly grateful will be growing in the beautiful characteristic of humility. May it be so for us."

in the blink of an eye...

While at work,someone asked me yesterday,“where’s MY golden years?”I stopped and realized that I didn’t have anything profound, witty or comforting to say.She was lying there in her bed,looking at me and waiting…Waiting for me to tell her how to find that which,by all estimations,is gone.She recently had one of her legs amputated right below the knee.She sleeps a lot.Maybe she dreams of that life she imagined to happen when she finally was able to enjoy the fruit of years of labor working toward those elusive golden years.She had plans to spend a lot of time with the husband she has been with almost fifty years.She planned to be one of those grandmas that go to tea parties,the zoo,and on picnics.But everything changes. Because of choices we make in one part of our life there often times are consequences in later parts of our lives.She likes to cook.She and her husband owned restaurants.Now she watches The Food Network on a small television on her dresser. Things change…a lot.Some dreams don’t change and they die hard. Sometimes they die with us.Maybe that’s the last part of us to let go in the slow march to our graves. Maybe that’s all that really keeps us alive sometimes.We desperately cling and hang on to something that takes on a healing and saving role.I have never been one to dash anyone’s dreams or belief in potential miracles.My job is to bring hope and encouragement. If you are an encourager you are truthful and will not give fake compliments and fan the flames of false hope.You don’t have trite textbook answers to the hard questions.You are one of God’s greatest miracles and capable of bringing the truth and hope that lives within us.Encouragers will tell you to do the thing you are called to do—the thing you are most enthusiastic about, the thing that makes you smile just thinking about it—and never worry about how something will happen. Encouragers know that the “how” always shows up when you follow your heart. Encouragers help us to see possibilities that sometimes are obscured by our lack of vision. This is the thing that is so much more important than any pill I can bring you today.Being here in the moment…being present is the thing that goes beyond what is easily understandable.On the days that I struggle the most with the whys of what I do and where I work God speaks to me in a way I can’t ignore.He picks that certain someone who disarms me and challenges me to remember that I am a mere dispenser of his grace…nothing more and nothing less.I have no easy set answers for your hard question today but…I’m listening,God.

rewarming leftovers...

I used to not be much of a challenge or adventure guy. I was always the spectator on the sidelines. All that got changed a couple of years ago when God called me to this crazy thing that was very far from anything I would ever do...or even consider. It was called THE RIDEWELL BIKE TOUR. Yeah, a bicycle tour across America. Did you hear that "across Ameica" part? Me God? You're kidding, God? Right? No He wasn't and it happened and I did it and my life was forever changed over the course of a summer one pedal stroke at a time. Well...as they say,"Here we go again". Yes it's true. I am going on another amazing bike ride this summer, only in a different direction literally and figuratively.I am not going across the US, I am going from south to north. I will be biking THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD BIKE TOUR from Mobile Alabama to Buffalo New York, a total of about 1808 miles.
The Underground Railroad Tour starts in one of the dominate slave ports in American history and follows the "Freedom Trail" by tracing the rivers and routes of freedom seekers from the deep south to the free land in the north.
The team will stop in churches and communities en route to raise support and enlist "Freedom Partners" for International Justice Mission, a human rights agency that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation and other forms of violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators and aftercare professionals work with local officials to ensure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to promote functioning public justice system
This hisorically important route witnessed countless numbers of slaves following landmarks and signs and being helped by "conductors" on their way to freedom. However, even more important that the sheer historical significance and the thousands of people that will be made aware of the issues of Human Trafficking/Modern Slavery, there is a bigger reason I am doing this epic ride. In Isaiah 61:1 it says,
" The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..."
It's pretty clear to me that as a follower of Christ that I under a mandate to do exactly what it says in Isaiah 61:1. I love the "proclaim freedom for the captives" part. To proclaim something means to declare publicly, typically insistently, proudly, or defiantly and to praise or glorify openly or publicly. I can't keep from thinking how much things have changed in the never ending struggle against oppression and slavery and yet they haven't changed at all. We have a long way to go and there is always hope. Our goal on this ride is not only increasing awareness but to restore hope and the belief that things can be changed by joining our voices together in the call for social justice. I urge you to join us in any manner possible to support this cause. One of the most important ways you an support us is to pray. In James 5:16 it says, "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results". I know that it works and witnessed it many times on THE RIDEWELL BIKE TOUR where prayer moved some mighty big mountains. So, the challenging road lies ahead and I can hardly wait to see what's going to happen this summer...God is going to be busy...real busy.

here comes...monkeywrenches

So, I was thinking about how many times I have planned things only to find in the end they aren’t even close to what I originally envisioned. Now, I can be a pretty spontaneous guy but for the most part I like a little order and control in my life. I wouldn’t actually classify myself as a “control freak” but I seem to need more structure and predictability as I get older. The bad thing is about that is I tend to play most things a little too safe. The bad thing about playing things safe and keeping your risk low is that it doesn’t really challenge your faith too much, if at all. If the outcome of something is predictable and known then it becomes boring. There are too many of us walking around in this condition trying to live a life that matters. We try to live like we matter, what we do is important, and become hypnotized and numb to those who are in need around us. I like to say we become the objects of our own attention and affection. Some call that self centered. I have discovered many times the more I try to create something on my own power and try to control the variables the more God throws a monkey wrench into it. I love that term of “throwing a monkey wrench” into something. If you throw a monkey wrench into the works, you ensure that something fails. It usually means something comes to a dead halt. God has thrown a lot of monkey wrenches into stuff in my life. I sometimes just imagine Him poised and ready, wrench in hand, waiting on me to try and launch my “next big thing” without Him. I still always act surprised when I try to do things on my own power and they fail or enjoy marginal success at best. God wants me to be completely dependent on Him in all I do. To do that is a difficult thing for almost all of us. I say almost because there are many people who do not have the luxury of having any resources to even try to do anything on their own. All they have is their faith. The homeless, the orphans, the widows, the hungry, the thirsty, and those suffering that live a day to day and sometimes minute to minute existence. When we become comfortable based on material possessions and that life we falsely believe we have created we become disengaged from those who suffer. We drift away from a complete dependence on God. And…when we drift away and become stubbornly insistent on doing things our way I can assure you that God is getting out His toolbox and looking for another monkey wrench…

heaven is...

My dad took me to work with him one time when he was in the army. I still wasn’t exactly clear what soldiers did even though I would see him come and go every day. I remember that there were a lot of helicopters there. I studied them and they seemed so big and scary. I was fascinated with how they possibly could fly being so big and heavy. My dad walked over and interrupted my reverie and said, “you want go up in one?” I can’t recall for sure but I think I might have squealed like a girl. The ground effortlessly floated away beneath me. I looked down at the place where I lived and it seemed so small now. I got it. I understood the pattern. I could see where the roads went, buildings and houses and understood there was a design here. Maybe this is how God sees things. He sees the big picture from up above and lets the little things handle themselves. Maybe there is this great big design of how things are supposed to work together like a jigsaw puzzle. I looked over at my dad. He had the faintest hint of a smile. He doesn’t really smile too much. He seemed to be lost in some really deep thoughts. I really wished that we could stay up here forever. I thought it would be nice to be able to fly just over the treetops and look down on the world below. Maybe that was what he was thinking about right now. Maybe this is what heaven is like…

"Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto"...

flight to safety...

Everybody needs a safe place. We all need a harbor, a refuge or a sanctuary. Everybody needs that place where they can go to escape from real or imagined danger. This feeling I felt right now was about as real as it could get. I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach as I grabbed a few random clothes from my room. I had an unsettling thought before turning out the light, what if I can’t come back? What if I have to move again? What if I have to say goodbye again? I thought all that was over when my dad unexpectedly got out of the army. I thought the move here to my other grandma’s house meant I would get to be in one place for a while. Everything was being turned upside down again as we fled the danger into the night. My brother and I and my mom were setting out on an unexpected journey to the safe place. I couldn't’t help but wonder how long I would have to run away from places and people that loved me. I looked at my dad as we scurried through the kitchen. He looked both sad and tired. He pleaded with my mom not to go but her decision was made and her resolve was unshakable. I said goodbye to my dad as if I was going on some kind of normal little trip to go see grandma. But, this wasn’t normal. Nothing about how I felt right now was normal. Nothing was ever going to be normal again. I'm pretty sure of that...

fear of rejection...

“It is not rejection itself that people fear; it is the possible consequences of rejection. Preparing to accept those consequences and viewing rejection as a learning experience that will bring you closer to success, will not only help you to conquer the fear of rejection, but help you to appreciate rejection itself.”

I felt rejection from an early age. I experienced one of the worse rejections imaginable…a son being rejected by his father. I, many years later, finally decided that he never really sat out to intentionally reject me. He just decided to reject life and I unfortunately was a part of it. I can remember always being picked last for things at school, which a kid translated to mean…not desirable, not valuable, and not wanted. Those are tough things for a kid to carry around growing up. I think God designed our families to be places of acceptance, nurturing and unconditional love. When that all goes away for whatever reason we seek those things in other places and in other ways. This is supposedly one of the driving motivations in people joining gangs, clubs, and organizations. We have this primal need to belong and be accepted despite our faults and flaws. I never was a “joining up” guy or a gang member but I certainly had every reason to be. Statistically speaking I had every reason to be in jail or even worse, prison. The toll on society from boys who are fatherless is staggering both financially and culturally. There was a tremendous absence in my life when my dad decided to leave a son at the time a son needed a dad the most. Obviously he wasn’t thinking much about that. He was only thinking about his pain which still feels awfully selfish. As a result, I adopted an attitude that nobody would ever leave me again…no one would ever walk out on me. So, growing up I did the leaving, I did the walking and I did the quitting. Although I far from understood it at the time, for many years I took on a “victim mentality”. The regrettable consequence of this is you live your life with low expectations, low effort and always fear potential rejection in everything. In effect you imagine yourself unlovable and this affects every relationship you have. It affected my relationship with God. I ran away from Him. I was afraid. I didn’t feel worthy. Nobody wanted to pick me for their team. I was always the last guy left standing who got picked by virtue of being last. I didn’t think God was any different. It took a long time for me to figure out I was wrong on that one…boy was I wrong.

a really cold dinner...

My mom seemed to be unusually on edge as we ate dinner. There wasn’t a whole lot of talking going on around the table but there sure was a lot of looking. I lost my appetite and just moved my food around on my plate. I was on high alert now and watching every little thing going on around me. I watched the muscles in my dad’s jaw clench and release as he slowly chewed his dinner very methodically. I heard my mom’s foot tap nervously on the dining table leg. It seemed to be tapping out some type of primal sos message. My mom finally told me and my brother we could leave the table and that was a relief. We went into the living room, plopped down and stared blankly at the television. I could hear the soft mumbling conversation going on in the kitchen. I closed my eyes. I imagined myself to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. But, I was here and was reminded of that when the voices became a little sharper out in the kitchen. My mom suddenly pushed back from the table and jumped up from her chair. She came in the living room and said, “go get some clean clothes…we’re going to Grandmas.” I stole a glance at my dad on the way to my room. He was sitting at the table just looking down at his food with his fork in his hand. I knew that this trip to Grandma’s house was just another name for going to a safe place.

There is much suffering in the world - physical, material, mental. The suffering of some can be blamed on the greed of others. The material and physical suffering is suffering from hunger, from homelessness, from all kinds of diseases. But the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

we were soldiers...

My dad was a soldier. I remembered that we always seemed to be moving around a lot. That was both good and bad for a kid because it seemed I was frequently saying goodbye to someone. I don’t actually remember how of if we were ever officially told that we were moving again. It all just seemed to happen so fast. The packers would come in, box everything up, load up the moving truck and away we would go. I really did get tired of saying goodbye. The good thing was there were always a lot of kids with dads in the Army at our new homes so we really didn’t have too much trouble making new friends. It was just that they never seemed to last. I was a loner. I gravitated to kids in my neighborhoods but not by choice. Mostly they just seemed to find me and they were in the same boat so it all worked out. I remember how hard my mom always tried to make and keep things normal as possible. I knew that my dad got up in the morning, went to where soldiers go to work, came home, ate dinner and then bed. Every now and then we did some fun stuff like go on vacation or go see grandparents. My mom would take me and my brother to church and insisted on vacation bible school every summer no matter where we were living. Vacation bible school was great. I learned how to make lots of things out of popsicle sticks. I learned about Jesus and His dad, God. I remember He didn’t seem to be much like my dad.

Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, these ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. Injustice can be eliminated, but human conflicts and natural limitations cannot be removed. The conflicts of social life and the limitations of nature cannot be controlled or transcended. They can, however, be endured and survived. It is possible for there to be a dance with life, a creative response to its intrinsic limits and challenges. Resistance to oppression is often based on a love that leads us to value ourselves, and leads us to hope for more than the established cultural system is willing to grant ... such love is far more energizing than guilt, duty, or self-sacrifice. Love for others leads us to accept accountability (in contrast to feeling guilt) and motivates our search for ways to end our complicity with structures of oppression. Solidarity does not require self-sacrifice, but an enlargement of the self to include community with others.

our Father...

There were so many things I didn’t understand about that day. I certainly didn’t understand that there was a real big difference between my earthly father and my heavenly father. I must have said, “our father, who art in heaven”, dozens of times but I guess I never thought about the fact that He was really there, watching and protecting and intervening when necessary. Another thing I didn’t understand was that He was on as high alert as I was right now sitting in this car waiting and watching every car go by. I silently prayed in my own simple and unsophisticated way, “God don’t let my mom come by here.” We sat there for what seemed like an eternity to a couple of kids. It was made worse by the stone faced silent dad watching up the road for moms’ car. “Well, I guess we must have missed her” he finally said with a sigh as he started up the car and pulled back out on the road. As the house came into view, I saw my mom’s car sitting in the driveway. I could feel the breath being sucked out of my chest and the tears well up in my eyes.

To hope...perchance to dream...

To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places -- and there are so many -- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.-Howard Zinn

Am I my brothers keeper?...

Am I my brother's keeper? ... Yes, I am my brother's keeper. I am under a moral obligation to him that is inspired, not by maudlin sentimentality, but by the higher duty I owe myself. It is when you have done your work honestly, when you have contributed your share to the common fund that you begin to live. Then, as Whitman said, you can take out your soul; you can commune with yourself; you can take a comrade by the hand and you can look into his soul and in that holy communion you live. And if you don't know what that is, or if you are not at least on the edge of it, it is denied you even to look into the Promised Land. - Eugene V. Debs

Dreamland...

It felt like a dream. I am sitting in the front seat and my brother is in the back. We are quiet, watching my dad for clues as to where we are going . He is staring straight ahead hands griping the steering wheel and driving very determined. I slowly rolled down the window. I felt really queasy all of a sudden and the feeling was made worse knowing I dare not ask him to pull over. It was clear we were on some kind of crazy predetermined mission. My brother sat quietly, staring absent mindedly out the window, as if he was out for a drive to the store or something. I still was searching through my mind for clues as the car slowed and my dad backed us off the highway and parked at the beginning of someone’s long country driveway. We were now sitting facing out onto the road that my mom would soon use on her way home from work. My dad sat rigid and silent staring straight ahead. He lit a cigarette and looked at me and said, “we’re just gonna wait for your mom to come by.” I just didn’t understand it until later, very much later, that Gods hand was on me that afternoon while sitting and waiting for evil to have its way.

Fear...

It was just a day. It was a day like so many other days. Totally unremarkable. Get up, get dressed, eat breakfast and go to school. But, this day felt different when I came home. There was a palpable tension in the air when I came in the house. Even a thirteen year old boy who is normally immune from the emotional weather in his house felt a big, a really big storm brewing. Even at thirteen you have a survival instinct that activates itself. I think it is Gods way to give us an ever so slight advantage over the devil. There’s this little voice we hear in our heads at times of imminent danger and we respond accordingly and most often automatically. My dad was sitting silently in the living room watching the television. I just got home from school and I started for my room and he turned his head and looked at me. It was not a look I recognized and it didn’t feel welcoming. The tiny voice in my head began to speak, ever so softly, “something’s wrong…time to go back out…”. I could feel my stomach flip as I scanned for clues as to what would come next. He got up, shut off the television and said, “Go get your brother, we’re going for a ride.” I am just standing there thinking that my brother was the smart one for not coming in the house after shool. “Ok, where we going?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer. “We’re gonna ride up the road and wait on your mother to get off work”, he said. I started out to go and get my brother and that voice started up again. “You are going to meet your mother??” She has her own car I thought to myself. Then the questions really began to come rapid fire. There was a definite sense that something was not fitting together here and for the first time I actually felt scared of my dad.

The "least of my brethren" are the hungry and the lonely, not only for food, but for the Word of God; the thirsty and the ignorant not only for water, but also for knowledge, peace, truth, justice and love; the naked and the unloved, not only for clothes but also for human dignity; the unwanted; the unborn child; the racially discriminated against; the homeless and abandoned, not only for a shelter made of bricks, but for a heart that understands, that covers, that loves; the sick, the dying destitutes, and the captives, not only in body, but also in mind and spirit; all those who have lost all hope and faith in life; the alcoholics and dying addicts and all those who have lost God (for them God was but God is) and who have lost all hope in the power of the Spirit.

Mother Teresa

Chapter One...

“Whaaaack” The handle of the rake came swift and hard across the back of my legs. I am a little embarrassed to say this is one of the things I remember best about my dad. Yeah, he had a real bad temper. I never knew why or when it would come. It would just boil up like a storm on a summer day. The swiftness and the randomness of the triggering events were always hard for a son to understand. I was just a goofy little kid who wanted to be loved and make my dad proud of whatever thing I tried to do to please him. There was just no pleasing him, though. I tried to pretend it was my fault and that way I could least share some of the responsibility for my assorted punishments. But, even that gets old especially as you get older and start to be able to figure things out a little better. There is a lot of cause and effect in operation when you are a kid. You aren’t able to discern the intricacies of how a mind works and what could be the unspoken cause to get the back of your dads hand across your face. That’s probably the way God planned it so we wouldn’t entirely give up on our parents being able to love and protect us. We always came back for more, unfailingly and unflinching and just hoping. Our hope turns into stubborn determination as we get older and we believe that we can change them. We believe if we could find this elusive thing, just out of our reach, then we would be loved. So here begins the original faulty paradigm that I will operate out of for many years to come and that gives way to the paradox that becomes my life. That paradox, in a nutshell, is I have always been searching for something or someone external to ourselves for our sense of worth and happiness. This is such a primal lesson learned and we receive it in many different ways. Some of us are molested, devalued, dehumanized and abused in so many different ways. Where the conflict comes in, at such a basic level, is that someone who loves me is supposed to take care of me and nurture me and not violate my trust to do that. I guess I finally decided, after many years, some people just don’t have the capacity for that no matter how hard we wish or hope or pray.