Oh Yes 

there are worse things than

being alone

but it often takes decades

to realize this

and most often

when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than

too late.

 

Charles Bukowski 

I expected better than this...

I don't know if you have a Whole Foods grocery market near where you live or not...but I don't. However, every Saturday morning my wife and I drive up to the big city for Spanish class. There is a Whole Foods near our class so we stop in for a little shopping sometimes when we pass by. One of the things they offer at the store is a hot and cold food bar with a variety of items to eat in or take home and that area is ALWAYS very busy,,,especially on a Saturday. So, nosy me wanted to see what the buzz was all about so we decided to have lunch... at the grocery. Two words...bad idea. Apparently the people who shop here and think that this food is something to get jostled around for are either crazy, really hungry or desperate to make the local quasi hipster scene. Seriously, I was surprised at how bad the food was. To steal a local cliche...”I shaved my legs for this?” really fit here. The food was way undercooked and essentially flavorless. I think my wife summed it up best when she said, “ I expected better than this...”. Yeah, me too...So, I started thinking about how our expectations can ruin things. Expectations are a funny thing. They are a mechanism of control in the purest form. We , in effect, are trying to predict and influence an outcome by merely what we think. WOW...is that ever mind control...or what? We set up an expectation of something, someone or anything and when it doesn't match up we are disappointed. It seems this happens to us so many times and in immeasurable ways. I know that I have been guilty of it a lot...but I think I am getting better as I get older. The problem is that we most frequently expect the unlikely or the unobtainable...we set the bar high. I mean really...how good could food... not freshly prepared sitting in pans on a steam table...in a grocery store....really be. Our expectations are so high we never leave even the slightest room to be pleasantly surprised. We, in effect anticipate the unrealistic...a lot. I think it is helpful to recognize that an expectation is both a creative and personal thing and thus we all may have very different expectations of the exact same thing. Any given expectation is based on our imagination and experience. So, many of us are doomed with unrealistic expectations about most everything based on those two facts alone. So back to my lunch at the grocery. As bad as I personally thought it was, apparently many others had a much lower expectation than myself. I am sure someone living in dire poverty would have thought it a supreme feast. Great...so now I feel like a jerk to complain and feel entitled enough to even eat there. So, I thought how these same failed expectations can disillusion me as a Christian. We set God up in so many different ways. We often times treat God in the same manner as many of our earthly relationships in that we set them up to fail. We have to realize that since these expectations are a product of our making we personally need to accept responsibility for their success or failure. However, this is rarely the fact as we place blame and put our sometimes blatant disappointment on others. We listen to incessant negative self talk in our heads. How arrogant and self serving of us to question God in some perceived failure of Him to meet OUR expectations. As ridiculous as it sounds that is exactly what we do...a lot. I am thinking of a classic example...I thought God would heal me. You cannot have any kind of expectation of what God will do without strong faith in His ability to accomplish the task at hand. You ask to be healed but yet your ever so tiny amount of doubt and lack of true belief in miracles stands in the way. It would appear once again that with these types of expectations we are right smack back to that control issue. My expectation is that it will happen in this way and in this time frame. Maybe it will...maybe it won't. We love to impose our requirements onto Gods will and timing. If it doesn't go the way you expect then it interferes with your faith and relationship with God. What happens when people don't get healed and they die....what happens when a loved one gets taken very unexpectedly? We say the same thing...well, I never expected things to go like this. Do you think God did? Of course, He did but that is not very comforting in our time of grief. I thought it would go like this...my expectation was...life was gonna be easier if I became a Christian...Really? That was your expectation? Do we really expect that we will always get our way because that is what we honestly expect God will do? Really? Yeah, we do. And what happens when we don't ? We pout...we place blame...we may even withdraw and become depressed. There are many reactions but we generally don't analyze any root cause for these failures but mostly because we don't want to see our hand in them. I have been a disappointment to my children and they to me because of expectations. I have hurt and disappointed people that I have loved because I just couldn't measure up sometimes. I still don't measure up sometimes and fall short of an expectation someone has placed on me based on the little they know about me. I hate that. I hate to be a disappointment based on some unknown standard that I am held up to. I really don't know the answer or the way around that one...I wish I did. Perhaps it's simply just getting to know me better...seeing my weaknesses...my abilities...my heart. I am just as guilty of this as anyone else but as I said earlier I think I am getting better about not holding the bar so high. I really just am trying mostly to concentrate on the expectations that God has for me...”To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God”. That's all...no more...no less...and if doing that... then you're meeting some big expectations and I doubt if you would ever hear...”I expected better than this...”

thoughts while fasting...

A couple of days ago, I ended a thirty day fast...yes, thirty days. Not only no food for thirty days but no TV, no daily Twitter, no Facebook and no background noise like radio. I have tried to be as intentional with silence and quiet as I could. It really is one of those things I have a problem with most of the time when I am home alone. I tried to be as productive as I could during this fast by writing...a lot...reading much, listening to podcast, studying Spanish, praying...a lot, and just being still and listening. All of those not necessarily in that order. Here is a list of the top ten things I have gleaned during this time...


1.We really do eat a lot of preservatives and chemicals and way too much processed foods. Some of the stuff we eat is really shocking when you read labels...that's why we don't. We eat way too much sugar. In fact, we eat way too much of everything...period. Many reasons for this but too lengthy to get into here. We really need to get back to eating “REAL” food...the other is killing us and making us really fat and sick.

2.Television is purely an object dedicated to and designed for mind control.... even if not turned on. We are convinced by clever marketing we are total neanderthals if we do not have a “big flat screen” hanging on the wall. I feel the tug when I look at the Best Buy ad in the Sunday paper. There isn't much that's soul stirring and benefic for anyone who understands the mind numbing effects of what is the supposed cool thing to watch. It's a marketing tool...that's all

3.I think the so called terrorist that continually plaque our national psyche are generally not too bright. The US government and most media loves to stir us up by constant fear mongering. Their agenda is becoming more obvious. I think the threat of what harm they can do is vastly overstated. I think there is more to be feared from another “Katrina” type storm hitting the US. We have become accustomed to living in a perpetual state of fear...we are easier to control that way...I guess

4.God is omniscient. I mean every single little thing...He knows. The how and why? That's the mystery part... that there are some things we will just never know...no matter how much we ask and seek an answer. We sometimes demand answers from God...He feels no urgency to answer despite our impatience and arrogance.

5.God is omnipotent. Whatever He wants to do...for whatever purpose...whether we like it or not...He is able. No matter how big...no matter how small...things pose no challenge for His ability. He cannot and will not do anything contrary to His nature...I repeat...

6.God is omnipresent. This is the one that really blows the mind...the vastness...the hugeness...the sheer largess. Immeasurable. Just the idea of being...everywhere...anywhere...all the time. That should be enough to give us comfort...but usually doesn't. What we see and know of God is a mere speck. If that doesn't make you want to know more...then something is wrong...

7.There are really a LOT of people that are generally selfish, preoccupied, rude, arrogant and live lives feeling entitled. They do not acknowledge nor understand the source of their good life. There are many who like to talk and act with compassion but only when it benefits them. Note: not throwing stones here...I am just as guilty.

8.I am broken and sick with a multitude of illnesses...prejudice, intolerance, fear, etc. I am no different than the leper that Jesus healed...we all are. That's not easy to say. We like to wear mask to hide the same disfigurements that the leper suffered from. Trust me...they are there. We need a healing touch from Jesus...no matter how “OK” you think you might be.

9.We need others and living in community is essential to our survival. Isolation is very dangerous. It is both sad and amazing how many people live alone without the benefit of significant human interaction. We don't know our neighbors...or even want to. We are afraid to reach out...take a chance...touch someones life in a powerful way. We are changed by living in community irrespective of its' composition.

10.Finally, stillness and quiet is ok. Most people find it very difficult...if not impossible. We are assaulted daily by a barrage of stimuli and it is very tiring and detrimental to our health. Even in a conversation we are uncomfortable with the pauses and fill them with idle chatter. Some people just refuse to be quiet. But, honestly, it's ok...because He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” ...and He will.

Was that worth thirty days of not eating, twittering, or watching Fox news/CNN all day? Yes...without a doubt... and with no reservations I will plan on doing it again. It's good to stand back...take a breath...and look at all the things that in one way or another are slowly trying to kill you. It is good to reconfigure your journey and the story you are writing with your life...it's called editing,,,and it's necessary and valuable. I think that a little rewriting or some extra film on the cutting room floor actually isn't such a bad thing for any of us. It redefines and sharpens our senses. We can see our dreams better and we can hear the voice of God speaking more clearly without endless distractions...and that's not a bad trade.

poetry for a cold and snowy thursday...

Be Kind

we are always asked
to understand the other person's
viewpoint
no matter how
out-dated
foolish or
obnoxious.

one is asked
to view
their total error
their life-waste
with
kindliness,
especially if they are
aged.

but age is the total of
our doing.
they have aged
badly
because they have
lived
out of focus,
they have refused to
see.

not their fault?

whose fault?
mine?

I am asked to hide
my viewpoint
from them
for fear of their
fear.

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately
wasted
life

among so many
deliberately
wasted
lives

is.

Charles Bukowski

shadow and light and ...Groundhogs?

Alas! must it ever be so?

Do we stand in our own light, wherever we go,

And fight our own shadows forever?

~Edward Robert Bulwer Lytton

 

Today is Groundhog's Day. It just serves to prove that we can pretty much have a holiday for about anything...and we do. So, if it is cloudy and overcast and this big fat cousin to a rat sees no shadow...then spring is imminent. However, if the groundhog sees his shadow...back underground he goes and six more weeks of winter is in store. So I got to thinking about darkness and light and shadows as being harbingers of things to come, whether good or bad. It seems to be a funny paradox really, as you would think if sunny you would be overjoyed and encouraged and want to stay out of a dank cold hole in the ground. Another meaning of Groundhog Day has been popularized by the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day where he endlessly relived the day...over and over again in order to glean some spiritual truths and change into a better person. We can find ourselves in the same predicament and suffer our own version of a groundhog day and it can last for a long time. God is always trying to show us some stuff about Himself in relation to us and is trying to teach us these same truths. Does it ever seem to you sometimes that you are doing the same things over and over again... often times with the same results? It has been suggested that the definition of insanity is repeating your same behavior endlessly and expecting a different result. Thankfully, God is very patient with us and allows to find our way out of the maze...most of the time. Unfortunately it just takes some of us a really long time and we give up in frustration. The amazing thing is that no matter how difficult the challenge or how long and winding the road...He is always there...patiently waiting on us. The other reason today is very special is because, in historical Christian tradition, this is the day that Jesus was presented at the temple to perform the redemption of the firstborn and the ritual purification of His mother, Mary. This was a very significant occasion as there was an ancient prophecy that was fulfilled on that day. When Joseph and Mary entered the temple with their son, Jesus, they met a man named Simeon who received the baby Jesus and prayed a prayer called the Nunc Dimittis,

 

Nunc dimittis servum tuum, Domine, secundum verbum tuum in pace:

Quia viderunt oculi mei salutare tuum

Quod parasti ante faciem omnium populorum:

Lumen ad revelationem gentium, et gloriam plebis tuae Israel.

This is translated as,

Now Thou dost dismiss Thy servant, O Lord, according to Thy word in peace;

Because my eyes have seen Thy salvation,

Which Thou hast prepared before the face of all peoples:

A light to the revelation of the Gentiles, and the glory of Thy people Israel.

So, essentially Simeon is saying here is that not only has a prophecy given to him been fulfilled but here is a light...a glorious light that represents salvation for the world. Simeon saw and recognized this light the minute he laid his eyes on Jesus. I just think of the lyrics of the great praise and worship song Marvelous Light, “Into marvelous light I'm running, Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, You are the life, you are the way...” So, back to our groundhog friend. The thing that really confuses me with Groundhog Day is the idea of running back into darkness from the light. It just seems counter intuitive. Jesus is the Light of the world. All things that surround Him become shadows in His light. When we step into that light something happens...things in us...never before seen,,,become exposed. Sometimes pretty...sometimes not...but always surprising. In representing visual art, shadows adds complexity, depth and dimension. Without this critical element a picture or painting would look flat...lifeless...dull...even boring. But when it is added a subject stands out, a scene becomes lifelike, and a landscape is made more dramatic often times affecting us in a very profound way. As a whole, the entire work of art becomes alive, beauteous and meaningful. Living a lifestyle of worship turns all our anxieties and troubles into cast shadows in His perfect light, making God the central focus. Every time we worship even in our times of extreme difficulty, a shadow is added to this big painting on this canvas of our life. As a result of this, we are given an enhanced view of the divine picture - it becomes three-dimensional. A clearer view of His good, pleasing, and perfect will for us emerges, with God standing out plainly as the main subject. I know that this is probably a very complicated take on a dirty, smelly and scared of his shadow rodent coming out of a hole in the ground...checking the weather...and giving us hope... or dashing it. Has it really come to this? Do we hang our hopes for the renewal that spring brings on a groundhog? Really? If it's all the same to you, I think I'll just celebrate Nunc Dimittis...