in the potters hands...

There is a part of me that says “YES, I can” and there is also a part that says “Uh...no...you can't” and they are always in conflict and at odds with each other. I really do believe that friction and conflict are vital elements and what makes for good stories and writing good stories with our lives, as my friend Don says. I have actually never given much thought of how this story that is me is constructed. I have never carefully analyzed the individual parts that conspire together that make the whole. But after hearing...a lot...about how good stories are seemingly simply generated from the most basic of ideas I see the absolute need for this conflict to exist. It seems all my life I have fought hard against this conflict within me and I didn't like how it made me feel most of the time. I always had a sense that I was out of balance, shall we say. Unfortunately my response to this wasn't a good one. I always gave up to the louder can't do it part of me. I was a quitter. Right now, I even hate looking at those words as they appear on the screen as I type. It is so NOT who I am anymore. But it was a long process to tone down that incessant chatter in my head defeating me at anything I tried. The bad part of that is at some point you just give up trying as you figure...what's the use? I grew to always expect the same outcome which was failure. I think there are so many places we allow doubt and lack of faith to creep in to our daily lives and determine outcomes of things we attempt. We get robbed of our potential and our dreams by a false logic that sets up in us sometimes very early in life. Once that happens ever decision we make is touched by it. We set up, in our lives, a self fulfilling prophecy that we work hard to make come true. We put a lot of effort into something that is totally based on the fallacy that we are flawed and can't measure up to someones expectations. It is a vicious cycle that engulfs us and we begin to live our lives as victims. I was a victim. I was a victim of my own making. I was determined to do things my way and that way was the hardest way I could find to do anything. The end result of all this was I became unlovable and was bent on destruction. I wasted a lot of years living that way. But, here's the good news...In my darkest hour and in my utter brokenness, God gently reminded me that He has never left me and I was the one running away. He called me to come back home. He told me he loved me no matter what I had done...of course...He knew. I never had that from my earthly father so it was a little difficult to embrace this news. But I did and I surrendered...I was tired. I literally fell into His arms and found everything I had been longing for so long. I found grace,redemption and healing. I found the me that got lost so long ago. I discovered that when empowered by Christ that my weakness was an asset and not a liability. I discovered that I was lovable and that one simple fact changed my life. So many of us wandering around today feeling so rejected and unlovable believe that lie. Slowly but surely the plan emerged and things once out of my reach became obtainable. Those are called blessings. I didn't feel the urge to quit anymore and destroy every relationship I had built. This is the true transformed life that Jesus is calling us to. All we have to do is just give up, surrender, abandon self reliance, remove ourselves away from our lives, live out of the box, and embrace a very risky faith...and I'm really doing that.