thoughts on going home...

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.  ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I sat somewhere that became holy yesterday...I sat at someones bedside where I work and watched them die. I slowly watched the end of ninety two years of a hard life all come down to one last easy shallow breath. Air goes in...air goes out...the end. Just like that the mortal time that we count in so many different ways on the earth comes to a stop. Like a billowy snow white cloud on a summer day...it passes over our heads...floats out of view and is gone. That God would allow me to sit and be present during this crossing over from the finite to the eternal is humbling. The achingly bare intimacy of someones final moments is soul stirring. In a blink of our eye...life is gone. The mother...the grandmother...the friend...everything one was in their life becomes more important now. What is becomes what was and we remember. The daughter sits resolute and utterly determined to stare death in the face and not flinch...but she does and the tears tumble onto her mothers pale frail hand which she grips tightly. We desperately hold on...unable to let go...unable to say the first of a series of goodbyes. The release is the hardest part. The reality and the finality of the release is almost too much to bear. I suddenly remembered when my own mother died and in an unexpected moment happening right now...it all felt the same. My throat is tight...my breathing becomes tense...I bite my lip...hard. I look away but I am losing this battle. I say a prayer to distract myself and keep it together and remain professional. I know that love loosens our grip...when we really love we can let go of the tight hold that keeps us bound in the earthly realm. I stand and lay my hand on the ever cooling cheek...say another prayer. I study the face in the most minute detail...as if looking at a painting by Van Gogh...Renoir...or another great artist of long ago. I wondered if all the worry and pain and suffering...heartbreak...and disappointment etched those amazing lines into her face. Time stood still for just a minute. I imagined the joy of knowing in that final lucid moment that soon...very soon...I will be on my way to heaven to meet my Father...I am reminded of the hymn that they sing here practically every Sunday...” When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, We’ll sing and shout the victory!” It will indeed be rejoicing when this lady gets home. No matter how many times I witness this mystery of death it never gets any easier. The questions are always the same, There are no easy answers, There is very little I can say that makes sense in the face of such personal and seemingly unbearable loss. Any word feels inadequate right now...just silence is enough. In that silence comes an eventual understanding that it's ok to let go and I am only holding on out of fear and selfishness. There is a feeling of being left alone no matter how old we are...it's a primal fear. We know that the reality is we are never alone and that God is always near to us and the feeling of being alone is just an illusion. The other reality is that once we have died we are just an empty shell much like the empty shells of cicadas that get left behind. The deceased becomes representational of a different time of our lives and we are flooded with memories of every sort. Those memories keep us alive in essence once our physical bodies have failed and gone. It is always bittersweet for me to share these most intimate moments with families. I am always glad that someone was here holding the hand...wiping the tears...as many time there is not. Many times people die alone...fade into oblivion...and all that their life was goes unrecognized in that moment. To me...that's sad...even tragic...not to be remembered and loved...in our death. It is as if another brilliant star has fallen from the sky and nobody saw it...