who am I really?...

         A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world. -  Dorthy L. Sayers

I have recently landed a new job after a lengthy period of unemployment. These infrequent periods of unemployment are really nothing new to me but this one was a little longer than normal. There are several problems with being unemployed for an extended period .beyond the obvious one of not having an income stream. One of the things I have discovered over the years is that we are very much identified by the work we do and that often times leads to additional dialogue. However, when we are unemployed there is a whole different thing that happens when someone ask..”what do you do?” and you reply that you are “not working but looking”. I love to see the look on peoples faces when you try to explain your unique situation and they just don't get it. I'm used to it ...so it doesn't bother me...but it used to. The one thing I have discovered that has been an important lesson to me is that I am not defined by what I do...but by what I am. In today's community we are assigned a place in society based on what we do and the relative value attached to that thing. When we no longer are doing that thing we wonder where we fit in the world. It is hard to be still and idle for any reason in today's culture. It is unacceptable when we are not perceived as busy or productive. Whether we realize it or accept it we are always being measured and compared in some way or another. When you have complete awareness of your identity, you don’t have to rely on any external descriptors to define who you are. You get to be who you are – a unique being, accepted for your individual qualities and characteristics. With awareness and accep­tance of your internal identity, you are less likely to fall into the comparison trap A lot of what determines our worth and usefulness is our ability and desire to work at something judged by others as good or necessary. Thus...we pride ourselves on our ability to work and be productive and develop an image we project to the world and that becomes our identity. So...it only stands to reason that when that becomes compromised due to illness, unemployment or other reasons we and others perceive that we are less desirable and worthy. You see...we all start out from square one with this unique identity of who we really are and that is given by God. It's the basic ingredient of our makeup...it's in our DNA. Then from that point we add to it in our own ways. Things we think are important like what we wear...where we live...who we know. We call that success and then that often replaces what God says and our identity is now based on that illusion. We work very hard at fooling people into believing we are successful and that our happiness is based on appearances. As our identity is so intricately tied in with success or failure...for many failure is not an option. So we hold back and stay in our comfort zone...our safe place. We become risk adverse because if we fail...and we will sometime...we take a big hit on what we believe our identity to be. For many of us this can be quite unsettling and even progress to a full blown crisis. This is why it is so important to know who we are at the core of our being...the place that cannot be shaken. If not, the crisis will find you again and again, resulting in a fear of failure, fear of abandonment, and fear of never finding your true identity. An example of this would be the proverbial mid-life crisis. You get to that certain age...that certain point in your life and look around and say...”is this all there is?” Surely there's more to life than this one I have been living. I'm gonna change...I'm gonna have a new identity. Yeah...ok...we all know how that goes for guys...new Corvette replaces the Camry...custom cowboy boots replace the tasseled loafers...and a girlfriend your daughters age replaces your wife of twenty five years. Really? This is the identity you desire now...middle aged guy who has lost his marbles...I think the more true question to be wrestled with at this mid point is do I go on living a life of success and all the external trappings that involves or do I seek to live a life of significance. With full recognition of your true internal identity...that identity placed inside of you by God...you are very much less likely to seek something else external or outside of that to make you feel complete. Your identity can be thought of as who you are at your deepest core...your integrity. The process of uncovering and getting to the essence of that core, and the ability to get in touch with who you are is often times very daunting and can be gut wrenching. However it is absolutely the first thing that must be done on the road to authenticity and significance in our daily lives. Without any conscious awareness and understanding of our identity it is impossible to be authentic. How can we hope to be real if we don’t have a clue of what real is? Without even a little knowledge of our values and core beliefs, how can we make decisions or know what we want? Our relationships, career choices, lifestyle, and everything we deem important as an adult are all impacted by our identity. Awareness of our identity allows us to authentically and passionately pursue our path in life. It is never too late to change course once that realization and awareness comes. People change at many different points in their lives...sometimes willingly...sometimes not. If we have no knowledge of what makes our heart sing, what is important to us, or what is our life purpose, how can we form a vision for our future? We can't...and we just drift along until the next crisis comes...and it will. Again, if we don’t know who we are, how can we determine what we want and where we are headed? The actions we take toward our vision must be in alignment with our values, core beliefs and the essence of our identity if we are to be fulfilled and live our life to its highest purpose. That comes from knowing who we are in Christ and absolutely has nothing to do with riding the wave of the next best and latest cool thing...It's easy to fall from those lofty perches...sometimes.

thoughts on going home...

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.  ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I sat somewhere that became holy yesterday...I sat at someones bedside where I work and watched them die. I slowly watched the end of ninety two years of a hard life all come down to one last easy shallow breath. Air goes in...air goes out...the end. Just like that the mortal time that we count in so many different ways on the earth comes to a stop. Like a billowy snow white cloud on a summer day...it passes over our heads...floats out of view and is gone. That God would allow me to sit and be present during this crossing over from the finite to the eternal is humbling. The achingly bare intimacy of someones final moments is soul stirring. In a blink of our eye...life is gone. The mother...the grandmother...the friend...everything one was in their life becomes more important now. What is becomes what was and we remember. The daughter sits resolute and utterly determined to stare death in the face and not flinch...but she does and the tears tumble onto her mothers pale frail hand which she grips tightly. We desperately hold on...unable to let go...unable to say the first of a series of goodbyes. The release is the hardest part. The reality and the finality of the release is almost too much to bear. I suddenly remembered when my own mother died and in an unexpected moment happening right now...it all felt the same. My throat is tight...my breathing becomes tense...I bite my lip...hard. I look away but I am losing this battle. I say a prayer to distract myself and keep it together and remain professional. I know that love loosens our grip...when we really love we can let go of the tight hold that keeps us bound in the earthly realm. I stand and lay my hand on the ever cooling cheek...say another prayer. I study the face in the most minute detail...as if looking at a painting by Van Gogh...Renoir...or another great artist of long ago. I wondered if all the worry and pain and suffering...heartbreak...and disappointment etched those amazing lines into her face. Time stood still for just a minute. I imagined the joy of knowing in that final lucid moment that soon...very soon...I will be on my way to heaven to meet my Father...I am reminded of the hymn that they sing here practically every Sunday...” When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, We’ll sing and shout the victory!” It will indeed be rejoicing when this lady gets home. No matter how many times I witness this mystery of death it never gets any easier. The questions are always the same, There are no easy answers, There is very little I can say that makes sense in the face of such personal and seemingly unbearable loss. Any word feels inadequate right now...just silence is enough. In that silence comes an eventual understanding that it's ok to let go and I am only holding on out of fear and selfishness. There is a feeling of being left alone no matter how old we are...it's a primal fear. We know that the reality is we are never alone and that God is always near to us and the feeling of being alone is just an illusion. The other reality is that once we have died we are just an empty shell much like the empty shells of cicadas that get left behind. The deceased becomes representational of a different time of our lives and we are flooded with memories of every sort. Those memories keep us alive in essence once our physical bodies have failed and gone. It is always bittersweet for me to share these most intimate moments with families. I am always glad that someone was here holding the hand...wiping the tears...as many time there is not. Many times people die alone...fade into oblivion...and all that their life was goes unrecognized in that moment. To me...that's sad...even tragic...not to be remembered and loved...in our death. It is as if another brilliant star has fallen from the sky and nobody saw it...

be careful where you step...

There probably isn't a more effective piece of real estate in the arena of war than a minefield. Just as on the tragic battlefields that opponents engage each other...followers of Christ are...and have been...fighting a similar battle. Land mines are a particularly effective and destructive weapon for several reasons. Primarily, because they are buried and out of plain sight in an area that is usually traveled by foot or vehicle...a common pathway. The land mines are detonated by weight placed on top of them and do not discriminate in the severe damage inflicted on unsuspecting victims. Additionally, most land mines are intended to maim or injure and not necessarily outright kill...although many may die from result of those injuries. As a follower of Christ we live in a world that is a virtual minefield in so many respects. There are unknown dangers awaiting...sometimes out of sight and sometimes not...wanting to just blow us up. We have to be so careful and mindful of where we are walking at all times. The internet is a minefield and in the war for control of our minds there is no more a destructive virtual landmine than pornography. It is the proverbial elephant in the room that as Christians we find particularly difficult to talk about. It poisons, corrodes, and eventually destroys everything it touches. It is pervasive in our culture from the most subtle nuances in advertising to the blatant glorification of porn stars in mainstream media. It drives the multi billion dollar sex trafficking business. It is another example of how the edge of what we will accept is being pushed out farther and farther all of the time. One might ask...:”How has this happened?” Easy answer...we have allowed...encouraged...and welcomed it into our everyday life. The media certainly bears a lot of the blame as they know that sex sells...very well. The internet has caused an exponential explosion of porn. Consider these facts...

89% of porn is created in the U.S.
$2.84 billion in revenue was generated from U.S. porn sites in 2006
$89/second is spent on porn
72% of porn viewers are men
260 new porn sites go online daily

Are you shocked at that? I am not really because I am a guy and realize that porn is constantly marketed to me both indirectly and sometimes very specifically. Sadly, most men are fools and we lose our ability to reject what is a clear plan to destroy us with our sometimes willing help. I challenge anyone to say that porn is not both a highly addictive and an ever escalating habit. As with any other addiction there is no final end point nor is just a little porn ever enough. It creates within us a ravenous appetite and that demand drives all aspects of the industry. The mavens of this business know this one fact and are more than willing to supply an endless array of goods and services from mild to wild. I am always fascinated when I hear from someone that they are involved in porn but it isn't really hurting anyone. Really? What a lie from hell that is...Porn hurts everyone. I repeat...If it was something you could control and you aren't hurting anyone...why does it have to be done primarily alone...in isolation...and in secret? I am not going to lie here...yeah, I have looked at it many years ago...a lot. I know that it is not conducive to a healthy marriage nor is it complete unto itself. One of the biggest problems I see is it sets up in ones mind a false paradigm that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy creating the inability to maintain intimacy in a relationship. If you cannot maintain intimacy with a spouse...you certainly cannot maintain it with God. The deception one has to live under when addicted to porn spills over into all other areas of your life...no matter how clever you think you might be. Everything you say and do becomes suspect when you are living a lie this big. Eventually...much to everyone's shock and dismay...it all comes crashing down on you. Yeah...you step on a landmine...everything gets blown up...you get hurt and so do others. Then come the questions...the endless...the mostly unanswerable questions. We ask ourselves questions...its a time of shock and denial. “How did I get here?” is probably a common question. We got here because we foolishly believed a series of lies solely designed to accomplish the specific purpose of destroying our soul. The end point is being forever separated from God and spending an eternity in the depths of hell. The sad fact is there are a lot of people impacted by this selfishness...people that love and care about us. The even sadder fact is that unless you care for yourself in a healthy and loving way it really doesn't matter how much they care. Yeah...it's horrible and tragic to watch someone step on that landmine...especially if you have done it yourself. We have this sick fascination with watching disasters...car wrecks...and other human failures. However...there is no joy for anyone watching someone getting ready to step out onto the minefield...we wince with each step...

yeah...I'm an addict

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” John 6: 26-29


It is oh so easy for us to look out from our lofty perches sometimes and see a thing...a defect...a shortcoming...a sin... in someone else that we are blinded to in ourselves. Some perhaps would call it judging others...I would simply call it misjudging ourselves. I find it incredibly both arrogant and naive that we could point an accusing finger at someone and not realize that but for the grace of God we are spared so much misery. I am thinking specifically about our tremendously addicted culture that we live in and how we ourselves become enablers and users. We are constantly comparing and judging ourselves against others in nomenclature and scale of addictions. By doing that we can rationalize our behavior and assign a degree of what is acceptable and what is not. That's how we can say that drinking 5-6 cups of coffee and 3-4 energy drinks is ok...but shooting heroin is bad...really bad. Or even...looking at a little porn...Is there even such a thing as a “little" porn? It is so easy for us to normalize our many addictions as we have incorporated them into the fabric of our daily lives. We often say...” well, this isn't really hurting anyone”...Really? The reality is we have given our biggest addiction that most of us suffer from an entirely different name so that it doesn't sound too bad...it's called consumerism and consumption. We are addicted to stuff...getting stuff...buying stuff..holding on to stuff. We are all about stuff...Jesus addresses that here in this passage from the gospel of John. When the disciples and the people came looking for Jesus he told them they in essence came looking for what Jesus could give them. They weren't seeking more signs...they were looking for freebies and something to fill their stomachs again. They were looking for stuff...We are no different. We often times approach Jesus in prayer seeking a thing as opposed to seeking His presence. Even when we get that one desired thing it just never seems to be enough as the endless hunger of addictions continues to ravage our lives. We are always looking...for the next best thing...the newest thing...the coolest thing... thinking this will ease this gnawing craving we feel in the depths of our soul. We chase after stuff with the idea that it will satisfy us once and for all. It won't...it's a mirage. It's a clever and cruel trick of Satan. It is only a very temporary fix...no different than the handful of pills we take to self medicate and numb our psychic pain. It has been described by many as a “hole in the heart” and we...sadly...believe we can fill that hole with stuff. So...we chase the dream with wild abandon and constantly work to get stuff and amass dubious treasure while here on earth. In Matthew 6: 19-21 it says,

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

The fact is that pursuing that false hope of riches comes at a great cost to us both individually and as a culture. Jesus reminds us in the passage from John to not to work for food that spoils...that perishes. He is trying to tell us that the sense of fullness and satisfaction we desperately seek is not found anywhere or in anything outside of Him. He is trying to tell us that this easily spoiled food makes us sick...addicted. The cost of chasing and living this so called American dream is entirely charged to us and what we can do in our power and with self reliance. On the other hand...the cost of pursuing a life of following Christ is solely charged to Him and He paid the price for us on the cross. How refreshing and stress relieving it is to know that I can be freed from the grips of an addiction that only seeks to destroy me and everything I touch. Entangled within the snare of a works based system of belief...it slowly becomes apparent that there is never enough I can do or be to measure up to the unrealistic expectation in my mind of who I should be and what I should have. We are unwitting pawns in a cruel game that we will never be able to win. The good news...there is a solution. As Jesus said in the passage from John...the only work we need to be concerned with is the one that God requires...and that is simply to believe in the one He has sent...that's where the freedom from this addiction begins...there is this amazing light at the end of the tunnel... and as the song says...” Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness...out of shame...”

what are YOU giving up for Lent?

We have entered into the Lenten season. There is no time that is more soul searching for a follower of Jesus than this next 40 days. The conversation is often initiated by the standard...”what are you giving up for Lent?”. I didn't grow up in a churched family nor did I have many, if any, Catholic friends to clue me in on the giving up season. At my house things were more focused on Easter eggs, chocolate “hollow” rabbits and ham for Easter dinner. Oh yeah, dressing up on Easter and getting the requisite pics of a dorky kid with a Easter basket. It wasn't until very many years later I learned about everything that happened historically during the time of Jesus and events leading up to His death, burial and resurrection. I will have to say I got it in little bits and pieces and slowly processed the entire picture. I, however still didn't get the whole Lent thing until I became an adult and every year I gain some new insight. This year will be no different I am sure... Last year I went to see this tremendously theatrical production of a very compressed version of these 40 days at a local church renown for this pageant. It was extremely well done and very emotionally charged and provocative. I actually felt disgust for the Roman soldiers as they arrogantly walked by in front of me. They were TOTALLY in character. In 2004 the movie The Passion of the Christ came out and I have to admit I did not see it until about 2007. I found it to be practically unbearable to watch the first time I saw it. Yeah...of course...I cried...a lot. I remember being on a mission trip in the Dominican Republic with Victory Christian Center in 2008 and they showed a scene from The Passion on a giant screen on stage during a nightly evangelical crusade. I looked around and the people were completely spellbound. No one moved...no one spoke...all eyes were on the screen. At the end of the scene more people than I could count were weeping and praising Jesus...powerful. I can only imagine if they could see the entire film. I get the concept of giving something up for lent...or fasting...making a sacrifice...refocusing attention on Jesus...40 Days of Water. As I always fast completely for a lengthy period at the beginning of the year...no food...no TV...it seems a little anti climatic to fast 6 days a week...take a break Sundays and resume for 40 days. It just all seems so contrived and legalistic with lots of rules and regulations and different interpretations of what is the right way and a lot of focus on self. I don't think that is really what is intended when we fast and pray. In Matthew 6: 16-18, it says,

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Observing the season of Lent is a way that we can place ourselves before God humbled and broken bringing nothing of our own doing enabling ourselves the ability to purchase our salvation. It is a way for us individually to confess our total inadequacy and dependency on a sovereign and all providing God and to strip away all pretenses of debilitating prideful righteousness. It is a way to empty ourselves of our foolish false pride, of our rationalizing and blindness that prevent us from seeing ourselves as needy creatures, of our perfectionist tendencies that cause unmet expectations that weakens our faith. So...let's see...what could I possibly give up for Lent. Chocolate...uh...no. TV...don't watch enough to be sacrificial. Perhaps we all should dig a little deeper into what really is taking time away from Jesus...what is keeping your prayers short and generic?...what is keeping you from reading the Bible?...what is competing against your relationship with Jesus? I promise that there is something... I know there is for me. There always is something...I have a very hard time with focus and being single minded about something. That's a lot of the reason why I fast every year at the beginning of the year...it sets the tone for the year. It's like any kind of training you would do for an upcoming sporting event...What Jesus requires is no different. He wants singlemindness and dedication to purpose. The season of Lent is all about penitence and reflection and forgiveness of self and others. Being mindful of our sins and shortcomings and trying to listen to what God is speaking to us...trying to teach us. So, as you can see there is much we can give up and there is much work to be done to facilitate healing. So...yeah...I have plenty of stuff that I can give up besides peanut M & Ms and vanilla cokes and mediocre TV... I can give up my cleverly disguised pride and creeping...at times...unbelief that God really hears me when I whisper... help me...I can give up my need to fail sometimes...when others are praying so hard for me to succeed. I can give up my penchant to judge others...even if in the tiniest seemingly insignificant ways. I guess that's enough to keep me busy for 40 days...thankfully I get Sundays off...