ancora imparando...

I saw these words inscribed somewhere lately and I simply cannot remember where. I walked around with this saying, for weeks, popping into my consciousness at some of the most random moments. That was a sign to me that this had some really strong connection or was something important but I just couldn't connect the dots. I assumed that the language was probably Latin or Italian and attempted to translate. Latin...no, Italian...yes. The meaning was...”still learning”. I thought about this even more now that I knew what it said. I realized how crazy this is as it is both a question and a statement at the same time. Still learning? Having a medical background I really have come to the conclusion...you learn or you die. In Hosea 6:6 it says, ”My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children." Sometimes I feel like I get stuck in a place mentally, physically or spiritually. This period of being stuck can last varying lengths of time and it always feels long even when it isn't. That is because I hate to sit still and have a whole lot of difficulty focusing on one task at a time. My wife says I'm scattered. I am real good on the front end and getting something going but then...something happens. I lose my way...I veer off course. My usual plan, years ago, was to just give up and go on to something else. Abandonment...walk out...leave...quit. I finally think that I discovered in those times of fumbling and feeling inept that God just wanted me to just sit still. He wants me to sit in the mess for a little while...sometimes a long while. Sort of like Job...He wants me to see, hear, smell and taste this. He really does want me to suffer...as crazy ad that sounds. I am absolutely convinced that in the depth of my failure and misery He is trying to teach me something. I honestly can say that sitting in the middle of a big self made mess is pretty uncomfortable. We want to run...place blame...It took me a long time to see that this is how we learn the hard stuff. God wants us to be fully present...not focused on escape. He wants us to experience this fully with all of our senses. I repeat...He is trying to teach us something very profound and life changing here...so He holds us in place. It's like He is giving us a challenge test to see if we get to graduate to the next level. If we pass...we go on. If we don't...we get stuck and have to go through the spin cycle again. We are forever...ancora imparando...It seems like I have always had this amazing knack for doing practically everything the hardest and most difficult way possible. I just had this idea that things that weren't that important to me were meant to be rushed through. In that rushing through there was not much thought of others or discovery of any lessons I was supposed to be learning along the way. I bluffed a lot...shot from the hip...believed in luck and fate alone. I blew it...more than once. How I survived sometimes is a total mystery...but not really. I know God had a plan...a life long plan that despite my best efforts, could not be thwarted. So, I struggled with getting stuck until I figured it out and then we moved on. The learning doesn't ever stop nor does it respect any desire you may have for it to. God is showing us stuff all the time in many different ways. Sometimes He can be very subtle and with a nudge here or somewhere else he calls class into session. Sometimes, the lesson may be very critical...life saving perhaps. That is when things can get very interesting and God uses extreme measures to get our attention. Like Jonah in the belly of a whale...a burning bush...manna from Heaven. With these types of things you know that the lesson is on the way and is soon to follow...just be ready. Be open to the possibility that you don't know it all. What we do know is so infinitesimally small...it's impossible to compare to what God has available to teach you. I know that as much as I have learned about God and my relationship with Him in the last fifteen years...I am so far away from even being close to knowing much of anything. But,.there is one thing I do know...for an absolute certainty and that is....I am...ancora imparando...