losing my religion...

I am leaving my church....Trust me...this is not a decision that I take lightly or feel inclined to do without lots of soul searching. I have read and heard many differing opinions about leaving churches both pro and con. I guess my situation is a little different in that while I have been going to this particular church for a few years...I am not a member. I have this funny thing about joining stuff and the labels that gets placed on me when I do. My season of discontent has again returned to me and the reality of what must be done is now at hand. I simply cannot continue to participate in something without a vital part of my body...my heart...being present. To do so is called being the worse kind of hypocrite and we know what Jesus thought about those... The Greek word hypokrisis means putting on a mask to misrepresent reality and those actors who did so in that ancient era were known as hypocrites. That's how I have been feeling lately on every Sunday as I walk into my church and get “clicked”...aka being counted...or being documented as present. Nothing specifically personal against anyone there...it's me. I have these seasons where I experience severe cognitive dissonance. I have been busy examining this condition and how it affects everything I view in the world and decisions I make based on that. One thing I do know is that it is a significant internal conflict between opposite beliefs and not always entirely rational and a lot of us have it. That's the part I am always rightly concerned about...is this just me?...am I the only one who thinks this? What is wrong with me? Often times it is just me as I often see and think about things much differently than most people...or so it seems. The bigger danger for all who suffer this malady is that we may rationalize anything we need to do to validate our choices. We then, perhaps later, feel maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. This is where we get the term buyers remorse which means we may make a questionable purchase...after justifying it...then regretting it later. The real problem is that creates guilt and we know the destructive effects of guilt. Entire systems of religion have been built and maintained on that one concept...guilt. So, you can see that a seemingly simple thing like leaving your church can be as complex and psychologically and philosophically dense as you choose. I really prefer to just keep things as plain and simple as I can. I have thought about my decision a lot...like every Sunday... or even right now...It has just become more and more clear that this is necessary for me to continue to move in the direction where God is leading me. When I have discussed this with people in the past, they have said , “well, you know, God puts you in places for seasons and for His purpose...not ours”. I am so in total agreement with that and I used to be afraid of overstaying my season and all the leaves falling off my tree. As simple as I can boil it down to the essence and just say it...my pastor doesn't share my passion for the things I am all about. It just all feels so impersonal and focused on the inside of the church and I am so hopelessly mission focused and in tune to the external community and world. I feel like the sole beater of this drum. I don't share the pastors desire to shape and maintain the traditional culture...status quo... within the church as opposed to the importance of making disciples and sending them out. As with many other churches I realize there may be different directions and diverse ministries vying for a piece of the pie. I get that people have pet projects and feel protective of their turf and want to be recognized and funded. We all have our causes. However that is not an issue with me and I feel I am about the things that are important and weigh heavy on the heart of Jesus. The poor...the oppressed...the widow...the orphan...the prisoner in captivity of every sort. I have been charged with a task. In Isaiah 61, it says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn...” The reality is that is of prime importance to Jesus and therefore myself as His disciple. The reality is that what the gospel is all about is ...missions. I am more convinced everyday that this attractional model of doing church only serves the church and not necessarily the lost and hurting world to a large degree. We become comfortable and lazy and satisfied within the confines of the four walls and everything become program driven and we lose our focus on mentoring and making disciples. These programs become our reason for being a church and those who drive them become territorial and inwardly focused and drift away from taking up the cross daily and giving sacrificially. A few years ago The Southern Baptist Convention appointed a task force to set in place specific steps to refocus and reignite a resurgence of the Great Commission. Their hope was to establish a grass roots movement to ensure the continued spread of the gospel to the world. What happened? Well, it took a year and 137 recommendations later and lots of discussions and more talking and some infighting and some wrangling over money and language...and here we are...a constructed evangelization program well laid out within the safety of the church for the participants to take the gospel door to door...placing ourselves in the big mix of many other churches and (false) gospels being sold at the front door. I'm sorry...again I say...it's just me. My observations...my opinions...I just don't see the gospel as something we can package up into a standardized....memorized...sales presentation to be delivered at someones front door when they are in almost the least receptive frame of mind possible. Seriously...who really thinks this is an acceptable method and feel good about doing it...not me. I know it's relational and there has always been a right place and time according to Gods design. He never fails us on that. I am not presuming to say that I know the right way or only way to evangelize...but I just don't think this is exactly what Jesus has in mind for us. The only way I can just barely say this is ok in my sight is that the “salesman” is out of the confines of the church and they are getting practice interacting with people and probably getting to defend their faith a lot. My problem and the root of my cognitive dissonance is that I believe the life changing power of the gospel comes into full force when we come along beside someone and are serving and developing a relationship just as Jesus so often did. I have discovered this is a far more powerful witness to people and has a much deeper value and long range and sustainable impact. I believe the gospel is best understood within the confines of a community where we aren't afraid to let others see our brokenness and can be open and honest with each other. I believe the gospel is spread hand to hand as we reach out to touch and heal the lives of others with the miraculous redemptive power of forgiveness and grace...and in that seemingly simple act of reaching out...we are healed as well...