to know the impossible...

I have pretty much decided that there just are some things that no matter how hard you try you will never know. We are constantly surrounded with mystery and secrets only known to God...and He's not telling. He's not even giving us a clue and that is maddening to many of us. We have this sometimes overwhelming desire...compulsion...to know everything about everything. Back in the day it was a lot harder to know stuff and have instantaneous answers to even the most inane question. Thankfully for most of us we now have Google and a world of answers is at our fingertips. However these aren't really the deep and troubling questions that most of us frequently ponder and wrestle with. We seek answers to even more complex mysteries of faith and peoples erratic behaviors. There have been innumerable volumes written down through the ages from the most dense intellectual treatises to infomercial style self help books to provide answers for challenging questions. The desire to know is the desire to control...and the desire to control is a faith issue. Sometimes I just have to let go and trust that God really does know the answer and has a much more enlarged view of the thing I am struggling to know. I must admit I do have this fantasy of meeting Jesus face to face and asking a few questions that have been bugging me for a long time. “So, Jesus...uh...I have just been wondering about...” Yeah right...There are surely things that God, in His infinite wisdom, just doesn't want us to know. Do you feel sometimes that you just have this one personal or generic question you want answered? I do. I have a big one...pretty personal. I have often wondered what could my dad have possibly been thinking as he sat alone...in darkness...in isolation...and pulled the trigger and ended his life. What overpowering internal chatter must have been going on that night in his head. Maybe it was that chatter speaking loudly to him...to give up. Clearly it spoke louder than any other voice competing for attention. The harsh reality of suicide is that it is one senseless act that many of us have been affected by and we just cannot understand. Well, you cannot understand it until you find yourself in a similar position staring helplessly into the deep abyss of depression and loss. It is a lie from deep in the pit of hell that ending ones life is ever a good or logical solution to anything. It is totally illogical because the thought processes of your brain have been so rearranged that killing yourself feels ok and seems like a good idea at the time. With something so utterly personal there always is so many more questions that in all likelihood will never be answered...but still we ask. “Why would a dad want to leave a son?”...That's a big one...Maybe there is no reason at all...maybe that isn't even a factor ever considered. But the fact is you are abandoned and that affects everything you do...every relationship...for all your life. It just feels like so many times that a lot of things would have been different if I just could have one simple answer. It always reminds me that God knows and I don't...or ever will. How would our lives change if we knew the answers to these difficult and tough questions? I honestly don't think God ever meant for us to know or will allow us to. That's why we got kicked out of the garden in the first place. God knew that if we became as smart and all knowing as Him then we would have no need for Him. If the creation was on par with the creator then we lose our sense of awe and understanding we exist for the divine purposes of the creator. To rise above that and relegate God to an inferior position is what many of us have done by abandoning faith and endlessly seeking answers to unanswerable questions. Our time would certainly be better spent seeking a closer relationship with God and therein lies the paradox. That paradox is the closer we are to God and the more dependent we are on Him the less important it becomes to know the unanswerable things in our lives. It's called faith. The more we let go and allow our faith to strengthen and grow the less important it become for us to control ourselves and our world by being a know-it-all. Resignation and acceptance is a very hard thing for us incorporate into our daily lives. I have struggled with this and it always feels like I am giving up...but giving up what? Seriously, God doesn't need my help...input...or assistance with any pressing personal or world issues. My only hope is that He is humored that I still sometimes want to help Him do his job. I am sure He literally has thousands of consultants and could do fine with one less. We try to go out of our way to make the questions both profound and compelling and I am so sure He is totally humored by that...a lot. However, even the fact I know all of this... it doesn't seem to quench my thirst to understand and know things that God just will never share with me. If it stands in the way of my faith and belief that God knows what is best for me well then perhaps I will never know...it's ok...I still have a piece of that first apple stuck in my throat...