kicking and screaming...

I cannot lie...I really do like to get my way. I think it's something that got started long ago when I was a baby. The sad fact is it just gets worse as we get older. The funny thing is that we find all different ways to justify getting our way based on a variety of excuses. I think that's called rationalization. In other words, it's trying to find a good reason for something we know that is wrong. Over the years my reasons may have changed but the basic fact is that sometimes I, quite childishly, still want my way. It's simple, really...we see something that we want...we go after it. If we are successful then all's right with the world. However, if we are not...this is where the trouble begins. We go through everything in our bag of tricks. If none of the most benign things work then things become complicated. Then we ...sin. Yep...we have gotten so good at getting our way we can even rationalize breaking Gods laws to get our way. Of course, we don't really think of that as being sin, right? Even in the face of logic and overwhelming common sense...in the very presence of God...we still insist that we are right. I have thought a lot about what drives this urge in me and others. I think I've got it...one word...control. If I am always getting my way in everything I do then I am in perfect control and if not...well, we have a problem. This type of control is self defeating and ultimately strangling as we are unable to live apart from control and perfect order. The reality we know is... that world doesn't exist... but that doesn't stop us. The basic flaw in the supposition that I can create this so called perfect world is that I always know what is best for me and everyone else. This creates in us an arrogance and living with such a sense of entitlement that it leaves no room for God to wreck our lives. We become cynical and it is an inconvenience when God intervenes into our carefully planned day. This is why we desperately cling to things that are known and comfortable. We feel safe living out our ordinary life in the confines of a box we create. We, in effect, become prisoners to our prejudices and fears. Anything out of our realm of safety and sameness is scary and threatening to us. To become a disciple of Jesus and to follow Him it can only be one way...His way...the narrow way. To become His disciple there is a cost and a sacrifice that many of us are unwilling to bear. We want it our way most of the time and the way of Jesus a little. Sadly, that is not compatible with the kind of life that Jesus calls us to, as a follower. We want to live a half and half life. Uh...sorry, no good. I think Jesus is very clear here when He says to give up everything and follow. It doesn't mean to follow in a way that reflects that you are getting your way. No, it means to follow in totality and surrender and that is scary for many of us because that life is unpredictable and feels out of control. The actual danger of this type of living is that it adversely affects the development of our faith. Our faith cannot possibly be strengthened if we always get our way and believe it is with our efforts alone that good things happens. That only creates in us self reliance and that is a destroyer of faith. The other danger is that we try to get Jesus to do what we want Him to do in order to get our way. We reshape Jesus to fit our lives. We redefine Jesus to get Him to be compatible with our worldview and consequently diminish the importance of reflecting Him in all we do. I cannot be selfish and always desiring to get my way and attempt to be a witness to others of the transforming power of the gospel. It's called living a lie...being a phony...a hypocrite...or as Jesus said, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, hypocrites that you are! You are like whitewashed tombs, which indeed look fair outside, while inside they are filled with dead men’s bones and all kinds of filth. It is the same with you. Outwardly, and to others, you have the look of religious men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and sin.” That's pretty strong. So many times I have heard from those who choose not to follow Christ that the church is phony and full of theses so called posers doing make pretend Christianity. I say... yeah, true...so what? My job or purpose is not to reform my or any other church. My decision to follow Jesus is based on a relationship with Him and to reflect, bring glory, and share His truth with the world in how I live that out. My attitude and actions should be a powerful witness to others....not only when I succeed but when I fail as well. It is no longer important for me to get my way anymore as I develop an understanding of walking with Jesus, being humble and serving others looks like. I become less and less important and I become not so egocentric. A baby is egocentric because as far as they know nothing exists beyond their very selves. A small child who throws themselves down on the floor at Walmart, having a fit, is learning the most primal theory of stimulus and response. If I cry and scream and make a big enough scene...I'll get my way. This actually works almost all the time because we give in and that reinforces the behavior. As we get older we just get more sophisticated and that is called manipulation. Some of us get very good at it...very good. If you have kids you have worked over at some point ...or soon will be. The problem occurs when you are so used to manipulating others, to get your way, you try it with God. I often just sit and imagine that He really gets a big hearty laugh at that one. I think it's a good thing that we can entertain God from time to time. I know that I have probably made Him laugh a lot...and still do...

I am a leper...

"A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees,“If you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man.“I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning:“See that you don’t tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.” Instead he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news. As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere. "

So, recently I have been thinking of the so called untouchables who live on the fringes of our communities in today's time. I'm thinking that not much has changed in regard to our response and treatment of the marginalized and truly least of these. In the time of Jesus, leprosy was a terrible disease to have. It was disfiguring and debilitating both physically and psychologically. People with leprosy, in effect, became their disease and lived lives as victims thinking they were being punished by God. If you had leprosy you were doomed to live in exile away from friends, family, and your church. Everything that could provide you support and encouragement was taken away and you were left alone...literally. However, all that changed one day when one totally audacious leper approached Jesus and dared to ask to be healed. In these five short verses in Mark there is a lot happening there that changes everything in both this lepers life, people in his community and in the healing ministry of Jesus. In different translations of the Bible it tells us what the response of Jesus was to this leper. Some say Jesus was moved with compassion and another says he was moved with pity and sympathy. I like best what the New International Version says...”Jesus was indignant”. I think this word, indignant, may have perfectly well summed up how Jesus may have reacted...”feeling, characterized by, or expressing strong displeasure at something considered unjust, offensive, insulting, or base”. There were many reasons for Jesus to be indignant here aside from essentially being dared to heal this leper. He was indignant at the system that denied this leper and He was indignant at the disease and the evil it represented. However, the point is that Jesus was both indignant and felt compassion at the same time. I think about this in relation to someone suffering with a life threatening disfiguring disease or mired in the grip of extreme poverty. We can certainly be angry at the disease or the situation and yet simultaneously feel extreme compassion for the victim. We can be very angry and also have righteous indignation at the oppressive evil and injustice in the world and because of it be moved with compassion just as Jesus was. So...ok, we've got compassion...great, but now what? Well, now comes the next critical piece...reaching out our hands and... touching. Although, we have read and heard many times of how stunning and radical it was for Jesus to touch this leper, I'm still not sure we get the full impact of what happened there that day. In that one touch...in that instant...the world was turned upside down as one of the strictest laws of the day was shattered. In effect, Jesus and the leper made an exchange...they traded places. I am at a loss to think of anything that Jesus could have done more upsetting, more revolutionary, more reverberating or...more loving. This was the essence of the restoration that comes by being loved by Jesus and touched in the most powerful way possible...receiving grace and redemption and healing both physically and emotionally. Our illnesses that we bear are inextricably linked together...both the physical and the emotional. So many times we pray for healing of a physical ailment or condition but neglect the emotional component. If you have ever suffered from a chronic disease or condition you understand that sometimes your identity becomes that disease. In effect, you become cancer, diabetes, HIV/AIDS, homelessness, poverty, or anything else that robs you of living fully. It becomes your identity and we live our lives as victims. The problem with that, of course, is we never have to accept responsibility for our lives or any decisions affecting them. Jesus was the master of looking beyond the obvious physical infirmities and speaking healing into our souls. Who are those that are like lepers in our communities? What is our own personal and our churches relationship to such people that have been marginalized.? Are there people whom we wouldn't dare touch with the proverbial ten foot pole? Say yes here...because there are. Would Jesus still want to touch them? Do you ever feel like this daring risk taking leper? Or would you rather suffer with your infirmities afraid to ask Jesus to heal your brokenness? Who do we treat like lepers in our communities? Who is shut out and excluded from a loving community? What is our churches response and relationship to such people? I think we know the answer to that one, right? Are there people whom we wouldn't want to touch, even if we could? Have we ever experienced Jesus like this leper? How has Jesus healed and restored us to wholeness? Are we ever the Levitical priests in this story? Are our churches the "them" who need a witness about the power and authority of Jesus? I know...a lot of questions...Answers? Just curious...

calling bluffs and going all in...

Many years ago, while working as a traveling nurse, I lived in Las Vegas. I found it to be one of the most paradoxical places I have ever lived. In the midst of all the glitter and glam and incredible amounts of neon there was much literal and figurative darkness. I can assure you that being a resident there as opposed to being a tourist you have a whole different sensibility. There is abject homelessness and poverty in the face of what appeared to be extreme wealth. It could be quite deceptive though, as a lot of people liked to look like they were living large high rollers if only for a weekend and Vegas caters to that. There's an obvious difference between the “haves” and “have nots” and that drives a lot of crime there. It's a big tease... making one believe the big jackpot will come...eventually. I also loved to watch seemingly normal people come for a visit and and shortly lose their minds there in lots of different ways. It usually didn't take too long...a couple days of gambling...not eating right,,,not sleeping much...and constant sensory overload. I will admit that I frequented a few casinos from time to time and one of the things I really enjoyed was watching people gamble. It truly is one of the most mystifying and fascinating things in the world. I eventually discovered that there were amazing masters of gambling psychology who ran these casinos and we, the foolish and naive gambler, were at their mercy from the time we walked in the front door. If we only knew we never had a chance....well, maybe just a very slim one. Anyway, there was one type of gambler I particularly liked to watch...the amateur poker player. There was a very wide spectrum of amateur poker players...older grandmas and grandpas...college kids...women...girls...men...literally every description imaginable. They each had their own style and idiosyncrasies and quirks. These are what the pros study in detail when sending you away from their tables....humiliated and beaten. People are predictable and that is more that apparent when they get good cards. Let's just say the “poker face” is not a well developed tool with most casual infrequent players. My favorite thing, by far, is when someone goes “all in”. So, all in means you push in the entirety of your chips on the bet that you have what it takes to win the pot. So, I got to thinking about going all in... whether if gambling or just in our daily life. What really prompts this decision? I maintain it boils down to one simple idea...faith. Granted, that faith may be misplaced on a lot of different things. But, in order to act in most everything we do, it requires faith at the core of that decision. I had discovered quite a while back that faith was not passive nor a noun. I can say I have faith but, to me, that sounds nebulous and difficult to measure. Jesus talked a lot about faith and it almost always seemed to be tangible and linked with fear. As difficult as it may be to measure, Jesus was clear when He said, in Matthew 17:20, “He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

As small as a mustard seed...now THAT'S pretty small. That one fact should be a clue to us how powerful Christian faith actually is. However there is an even more critical element to the power of your faith and that is the action part. This is the place where it changes from noun to verb. It's one thing to believe something but unless tested the faith remains static, passive and does not strengthen and grow. Again, Jesus was very clear on this as well when He said, in James 2:14-17, “What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

So, back to our gambler...He may believe that he has the best possible chance to win...he may have (mis)placed faith in his cards, fate or whatever...but, unless he commits the physical act of pushing the chips in...nothing happens. Unfortunately, a lot of gamblers like many Christians like to hedge their bets...meaning hold a little back. What does that mean? Essentially lack of total faith. We live this way a lot because we let fear stand in the way of living a radical all in life. In a much earlier blog I wrote about when Jesus called John and James away from their nets and their family fishing business. What I wrote was,“ Jesus wasn't just talking about fishing nets here. What was shown to me is Jesus was speaking here in a figurative sense as He often did. He was telling Peter and Andrew, and all of us, to drop their "safety" nets not necessarily just their fishing nets. What is a safety net ? It is that thing that catches us when we fall.” We find comfort and security in our various nets. So, the dropping of those nets is the faith piece but is incomplete until we step out and follow. Sadly, many of us are hesitant...clutching desperately our pile of chips...afraid...tentative...weighing the consequences of a misstep...wondering if our safety net will catch us. We want to live in a one foot in and one foot out kind of way. I love the excitement that is generated at a poker table when someone, with a big pile of chips, decides to go all in. I remember sometimes watching...holding my breath...praying. Silly, huh? But, really...what if we could just let go for one time...go all in...push away the pile of everything we thought so important...and let Jesus catch us?  What if...

insufficiency...

I went to see a friend today...at a funeral home. Suddenly, tragically and unexpectedly someone I knew was gone. In a blink of an eye...things changed for her husband...her son...her family...and many who knew her. I really do dislike immensely going to see people at funeral homes...I can say with complete certainty that every one that I have gone to has been surreal. I guess I would say it started with looking at my father lying in repose, in his dress Army uniform, when I was thirteen. It really was an occasion that birthed more questions than answers and that hasn't changed. That's funny...I just realized I wrote...questions were “birthed” at a death. See what I mean? How weird is that? But, it's true. I have as many questions now as I did then except I know a lot more of the standard pat answers we give to thirteen year old boys. Oddly enough, that is the age of her son. What can I say to him that makes any sense? Nothing...nada...zero...zilch...absolutely nothing. There is no sense to be made out of a thirteen year old losing a mom or a dad, right? There comes a big tear in the fabric of our lives that has been woven over time. Some have described it as a “hole in their heart” or in many other descriptive but insufficient ways. Everything will change...everything will be different...everything you know about the world changes. This is going to hurt...a lot. You will lose some innocence...I am touched by the biting sting of death of a loved one and I have a sour taste in my mouth. Everything you are or hope to be will have the faint taste of this loss on it. How do you explain that to a thirteen year old boy? Nobody even tried to for me...I kind of wish they had...

heck yeah I'm hungry...

So, here I am on day 22 of a fast and I really am feeling ok even though some think I am completely insane. Al I can say in my defense is...that's ok. This is something I do...I believe in...I understand...and really, it's ok. I found this piece I wrote two years ago, about this same time along, during a similar fast. I think it's worth reposting now as I pretty much feel the same and perhaps you will understand...why it's ok.

I am thinking about hunger again. I know that seems to be a frequently visited topic in my blog posts, but… It really is something we need to think about more. I am not only thinking about physical hunger but I am specifically thinking about the deep hunger for God. Jesus spoke quite often about the hungry and hunger. In Luke 4:1-2 it says, “ Then Jesus, being filled with the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, being tempted for forty days by the devil, And in those days He ate nothing, and afterwards, when they had ended, He was hungry.” And Satan being the ever clever liar was aware of that hunger and tried to get Jesus to turn a stone into bread. Imagine how hungry Jesus must have been after forty days? Some of us can barely last four hours. The devil knows that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach especially when really hungry. This was also apparent even in Old Testament days as Esau sold his birthright to his brother Jacob for some lentil stew. That was an expensive meal. However there is a tool that is available and often used to call our appetite into submission. It is a fast. Now I am not going into all the details and the whys and wherefores of fasting here. There are plenty of books written if you need to do a scholarly investigation on fasting. I will simply say it is a very powerful weapon when teamed with prayer to tap into the power of God to speak into your life. The enemy, Satan, wants you distracted and hungry for food and things of the world. When you fast and pray you focus sometimes very intensely on desiring what God wants and waiting to hear what that is. There is a long and extensive history of fasting in the bible and some amazing things have happened secondary to fasting and praying. Moses fasted and so did Jonah, Daniel, David and Elijah among others. Fasting takes you away from the world; it is a renewal of your spirit and a powerful form of worship. Fasting gives me an opportunity to change my diet. It is amazing when I am not attentive to what I eat that I gain weight and am still hungry. I am overfed as many of us are but lacking something in my diet. Fasting helps me to focus on Jesus, the one who can satisfy real hunger. The temporary hunger I feel is just that…temporary. It has to constantly be satisfied in a variety of ways. We struggle to appease this never filled feeling that affects everything in our lives, our jobs, our relationships and our sense of self worth. We become enmeshed in a tangled mess of lies and deception and live lives in the desperation of having to consume stuff to mollify our hunger. I have decided to tackle this issue and look at my own personal hunger. For all of us it is different. For many of us it is uncomfortable. It is not easy to face something which we hate to admit controls us and drives our every decision. But there is a reward to be had in doing this. In the bible in 2 Chronicles 7:14, it says, “ if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” Can you deny that we all need to repent and receive forgiveness? Can you deny the blatant truth that this land needs healing now more than ever before? Our hunger for the wrong things in this world has almost pushed us over the edge and for many it already has. It’s time. It really is time to stop the madness that pushes us to run in circles and never find peace. There is only one way. I think that it is clear what that way is. So, the question then becomes which you will choose. Are you hungry?? What will feed you this year? Or maybe we should ask…who will we feed??